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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25130500">Stay With Me (I Never Left)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/disgruntled_daisy_111/pseuds/disgruntled_daisy_111'>disgruntled_daisy_111</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Because time travel, Best Friends, Canon Compliant, Dreams and Nightmares, Dreamsharing, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Get ready to cry, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Medication, Mentioned Eating Disorders, Overdosing, Platonic Relationships, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Time Loop, Time Travel, according to the comments, bang chan best leader, chan has anxiety, kind of, mentioned depression, nobody really dies, weird sci-fi stuff, woot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:15:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>31,238</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25130500</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/disgruntled_daisy_111/pseuds/disgruntled_daisy_111</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Chan is confused because one second Felix had a nightmare about him dying and the next he didn't remember it.</p><p>Felix is confused because one minute, Chan died from an overdose, and the next he's sticking his head into his room and asking him if he wants hot chocolate. </p><p>~OR~</p><p>When the unimaginable happens (happened/will happen? time travel is confusing especially when it's accidental) Felix and Chan somehow have to figure it out in order to save Chan's life.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bang Chan/Lee Felix</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>160</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>310</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Found this little fragment and decided, why not post it?</p><p>I love Chan and Felix so much, so sorry for the suffering. It'll turn out okay, pinky promise. </p><p>Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chan hadn’t wanted to die, Felix was certain, as he thought about the events of the past month. He just had a dark moment where something went wrong. The others were skeptical—grieving, broken, devastated—but skeptical. They tried to comfort themselves that if Chan was gone, he was probably happier now. </p>
<p>Felix clenched his fists. Had anyone actually looked him in the eyes in the weeks and months before, and thought he didn’t want to live? Felix had been talking to him just the night before and Chan had laughed at one of his jokes and ruffled his hair and they’d parted ways to get some sleep. Felix had slept well that night, something he hadn’t done since.</p>
<p>He’d walked into the bathroom the next morning to find Chan on the ground, nearly as cold as the tiles, pills spilled around him.</p>
<p>Everything was explained to them mechanically. Chan had been taking medication for anxiety. They thought he’d probably had a panic attack in the night and went to take his medication. They weren’t even certain he’d overdosed intentionally!</p>
<p>“Hyung,” Felix said to the empty air in front of him, “You didn’t want to leave, right? You told me you wouldn’t. So you could still be here. Right?” </p>
<p>His throat burned, he could barely speak. “Please, I need to talk to you.”</p>
<p>Chan opened the door, grinning at him, then his face went serious. “Felix, are you crying?”</p>
<p>Felix was speechless for an entirely different reason. “Hyung!”</p>
<p>Chan stared at him like he was crazy. “Yes…?”</p>
<p>Felix stood up, running to him, throwing his arms around him. Chan was warm, and solid, and Felix sobbed into his shoulder. </p>
<p>“It was a dream!” Felix gasped out. “I just dreamed it! It felt so real! Thank God.”</p>
<p>Chan patted his head. “Did you have a nightmare? You can tell me.”</p>
<p>Nightmare? Did that properly describe the fact that Felix was convinced a month had gone by since Chan overdosed and died? It felt real, but so did Chan. </p>
<p>“You died,” Felix whispered. “You took too many pills in the night.”</p>
<p>Chan pulled back slightly, face serious. “Oh, that’s not good. I’d never do that, don’t worry.”</p>
<p>Of course he wouldn’t!</p>
<p>“What if you were sleepy? Or sleepwalking?” Felix challenged.</p>
<p>“That just seems so unlikely,” Chan pointed out. “But I’ll be extra careful for you, hm? Come on, let’s get some hot chocolate and you can go back to bed.”</p>
<p>Felix nodded, following Chan into the hallway, headed for the kitchen. He glanced over his shoulder to see if anyone’s doors were opened, and when he looked back, Chan was gone. Sneaky. He’d run ahead to surprise him!</p>
<p>Felix cautiously entered the living room/kitchen, but saw no sign of Chan. He looked everywhere. He even opened the front door and glanced around outside, even though the chain lock had still been in place.</p>
<p>Worried, he went into Minho’s room, waking him up. “I can’t find Chan!”</p>
<p>Minho blinked a couple of times, then frowned. “What?”</p>
<p>“I can’t find Chan!”</p>
<p>Minho sat up slowly, taking one of Felix’s hands. “Did you dream about him?”</p>
<p>“I guess, but then we were going to get hot cocoa and he disappeared!”</p>
<p>Minho licked his lips. “I know this is hard for you, too, Lix. I’ve dreamed about him since…” Minho hesitated. “Do you want to sleep in here tonight?”</p>
<p>“Minho, I’d love to, but Chan is missing!” Felix said, feeling that his hyung was missing the point. </p>
<p>“I know it feels like that, but we have to accept this in order to move on. Chan wouldn’t want us to—”</p>
<p>“What are you talking about?” Felix nearly burst into tears of frustration. </p>
<p>Minho straightened bolt upright. “Felix, if you’re making a joke, stop now.”</p>
<p>Felix realized Minho’s eyes were red-rimmed. He looked exhausted, and his chin trembled slightly. “This hasn’t been easy for me, either, and I really can’t deal with this right now.”</p>
<p>“Hyung…” Felix’s heart started pounding, eyes flying wide. “So…THAT was the dream.” He felt tears fall down his cheeks, and Minho held him while he sobbed. “I saw him, hyung, he felt so real. I thought…I really thought everything was wrong and he was still here…”</p>
<p>It had been a dream, an illusion, and now he was back to the agonizing reality that outside of such dreams, Felix would never see Chan again. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chan hummed on his way to the kitchen. He started heating a kettle and took out the two mugs. He could have sworn Felix was right behind him, but he didn’t appear. The hot chocolate would lose its title pretty soon, so Chan headed back to Felix’s room and opened the door. </p>
<p>He was asleep! </p>
<p>“Felix!” Chan scolded. “If you wanted to sleep, you should have just said so. Your hot chocolate is getting cold.”</p>
<p>Felix made a sleepy grunt, blinking. “I never said I wanted hot chocolate.”</p>
<p>“Yes you did! To calm you down from your nightmare, then you were going to go back to bed. AFTER drinking hot chocolate!” </p>
<p>Felix’s brows drew together. “I never said that, hyung. What nightmare?”</p>
<p>Chan gaped at him. “Stop kidding around. The nightmare about me.” Felix looked blank. “You know…” Chan said, determined to get him to own up. “The one about me overdosing? So I promised to be careful? You’re just going to pretend that never happened?”</p>
<p>“Chan, I never said that,” Felix said. </p>
<p>Chan stared at him. “Fine, then,” he said, annoyed. “Do you want the hot chocolate or not?”</p>
<p>“Umm…since I’m already awake, I’ll take it,” Felix said cautiously, and kept a bit of distance as they walked to the kitchen and sat down with their mugs. </p>
<p>“Are you sure YOU didn’t have a nightmare?” Felix mumbled between sips.</p>
<p>Chan rolled his eyes. “A nightmare about you having a nightmare about me? Sounds likely.”</p>
<p>“Dreams are strange that way,” Felix pointed out. “You just seem annoyed at me and I really didn’t say anything.”</p>
<p>Chan remembered Felix sobbing, telling him how real it had felt. Had he really invented that and forgotten getting out of bed?  It was so much more likely that Felix was pranking him, possibly avoiding embarrassment about the nightmare. Yet…he looked dead serious. No sign of a smile or a secret. He actually seemed mildly hurt/offended that Chan didn’t believe him. </p>
<p>“I guess it’s possible,” Chan sighed. </p>
<p>Felix didn’t reveal a prank or crow over having fooled him—and that was the most convincing part.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>And we continue...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Felix sipped his hot chocolate, sneaking glances at Chan. The elder looked distracted as he sipped from his own mug.</p>
<p>“Hyung, you’re working too hard,” he said, for about the millionth time.</p>
<p>Chan blinked. “Why suddenly? It’s only eleven and I’m sitting here drinking cocoa with you.” </p>
<p>“It’s a miracle,” Felix said dryly. “If this was normal routine I wouldn’t be talking about this, would I?”</p>
<p>Chan shrugged. “Who has time for sleep anyway?”</p>
<p>“You do!” Felix insisted. “You just don’t, and then keep busy.”<br/>Chan tried to dodge the accusation by taking a long sip, but Felix just glowered at him. </p>
<p>“We both know that I have so much to do,” Chan defended.</p>
<p>“Not THAT much. How many songs and tracks have you made now? Even Stays are obsessed with your treasure trove you keep on your laptop. I’d understand if it was right before a comeback—”</p>
<p>Chan shook his head. “I don’t just make songs for albums, I make them for practice. Otherwise I’d never make anything good.” </p>
<p>“I know but—”</p>
<p>“You all worry too much!” Chan insisted. “Plenty of people my age sleep less than me for school, or work, so why should I be any different?”</p>
<p>“And you having some sort of weird dream about overdosing isn’t a bad sign?” Felix challenged, setting his mug down.</p>
<p>Chan frowned. “No, that was you.”</p>
<p>“I already told you that never happened!” </p>
<p>They looked at each other until Chan sighed. “Felix. We’ve been over this. I’m fine. I’m happy. A bit sleep deprived some nights—”</p>
<p>“Weeks,” Felix interjected. “Months.”</p>
<p>“—but I’m fine. Better than fine. A weird dream doesn’t exactly qualify as a system for a serious problem. If it did, we’d all be crazy.”</p>
<p>“Aren’t we?” Felix said, trying to lighten the mood. </p>
<p>Chan grinned, a welcome change from his odd actions and his deep, thinking frown. “I guess so.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Felix woke up tangled up in Minho’s arms. Memories flooded back to him—his dream of Chan, his relief, only to have his world crushed again when he realized that no matter how it had seemed, it hadn’t been real. </p>
<p>Tears stung his eyes. He’d stopped crying so much after the first two months, but having his wound reopened like that…</p>
<p>Minho woke up to the sight of Felix’s tearful face buried against his shoulder and hugged him tight while he sobbed. No words were needed.</p>
<p>Minho cried, too. </p>
<p>Felix didn’t feel like leaving the bed that day, though Minho insisted on getting up to eat something. He reluctantly followed him to the kitchen, remembering last night, following Chan for some hot chocolate. He took a deep breath, trying to stop the impending tears, and succeeding. </p>
<p>They found Seungmin in the kitchen, fully focused on cooking pancakes and bacon. Felix knew that since Chan died, Seungmin flung himself into every task with full attention, trying not to dwell on painful memories and reminders. </p>
<p>He shuffled over and wrapped his arms around Seungmin’s waist from behind. “Good morning,” he murmured, thankful to be close to someone once again. It had only been a few minutes since Minho had dragged him out of bed but he’d still longed for physical contact. </p>
<p>Seungmin eventually shook him off so he could flip the pancakes properly, so Felix made his way to the couch and noticed Jeongin.</p>
<p>He hadn’t seen him before, though he must have walked past him, as the younger was curled up in a black hoodie—one of Chan’s—on the couch. His eyes were unfocused. Jeongin had trouble concentrating ever since Chan died, frequently spacing out even in the middle of a task. He’d cut himself shaving numerous times, and had a bandaid on his chin now. </p>
<p>Felix felt his heart squeeze at the sight of the usually cheerful boy so listless. He sat down beside the younger, laying his head on his shoulder. Jeongin’s only reaction was to lean his head against Felix’s, but that was better than it got some other times.</p>
<p>Felix still remembered the terror he’d felt one day when he’d walked in on Jeongin in the bathroom, blood trickling down his neck from the razor, eyes staring blankly at the medicine cabinet mirror. Jeongin hadn’t given any reaction and Felix had realized that the boy could not see or hear him in that moment. </p>
<p>That was rare now, thank goodness. Felix had hope that Jeongin would get better and better with time. He hoped they all would. </p>
<p>But Chan would never come back.</p>
<p>“Breakfast!” Seungmin called. </p>
<p>Felix forced himself to get up and walk to the table, tugging Jeongin’s sleeve to prompt him to respond to Seungmin’s announcement. He sat down beside Minho and leaned into his side Minho while Seungmin set the pancakes down. </p>
<p>Jeongin sat down in the chair beside Felix, looking at the pancakes. Felix started to realize that this was one of Jeongin’s bad days and summoned a smile despite wanting to curl up in a ball and cry.</p>
<p>He dished two pancakes onto Jeongin’s plate. “Eat up!” he instructed, and topped of the plate with a big smiley face made of whipped cream. </p>
<p>Jeongin nodded dully, picking up a pair of chopsticks and taking a bite that he chewed for far too long. </p>
<p>Felix’s heart sank. Usually Jeongin had a normal appetite, even if he was a bit disinterested in his food, but the fact that he wouldn’t eat much despite the special breakfast didn’t bode well. It really was a bad day. He just hoped Jeongin wouldn’t make a habit out of it, like Hyunjin. </p>
<p>Hyunjin had basically no appetite ever since Chan died, while Jisung had the opposite problem and was eating constantly. </p>
<p>Changbin had just gotten quieter, holing up by himself to work on producing. They still hadn’t decided the future of the group but Changbin grimly said he couldn’t give up on music when it was what kept him alive, so everyone let him. </p>
<p>It was rare to see him or Hyunjin in the mornings. Jisung made an appearance a little late and took the limited portion that Minho dished for him. They’d talked about him overeating to cope with stress and grief and he acknowledged it, and accepted their help quietly. </p>
<p>Felix wanted Chan back.</p>
<p>But he was gone forever.</p>
<p>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jeongin spaced out while rinsing the dishes, nearly cracking a plate. Minho dismissed him kindly, and Felix went to his bedroom with him to make sure he was okay. Jeongin hadn’t been this bad in weeks. </p>
<p>They climbed into Jeongin’s bed together, Felix wrapping them firmly in blankets. He stroked Jeongin’s hair soothingly. </p>
<p>“It seems like a bad day,” he observed carefully.</p>
<p>Jeongin just nodded against his shoulder.</p>
<p>“Any idea why? We want to help.”</p>
<p>Jeongin didn’t respond. </p>
<p>“Take your time,” Felix murmured. </p>
<p>“…heard him,” Jeongin whispered.</p>
<p>“What was that, baby?” </p>
<p>“I heard him last night,” Jeongin said a little louder. “Channie-hyung.”</p>
<p>They’d all dreamed of Chan pretty frequently, though Felix’s dream last night was by far the most vivid. He kept stroking Jeongin’s hair. </p>
<p>“I miss him,” Felix confessed. It was obvious, but he would never say ‘it’s okay’ to Jeongin when they all knew it wasn’t. </p>
<p>“It wasn’t…” Jeongin swallowed. “It wasn’t even anything special. It was just so real, like when I used to hear you two talk, a little muffled through the wall. He was waking you up for some hot chocolate and then when I woke up I realized it had never happened.”</p>
<p>Tears slid down his cheeks, but his face remained almost expressionless. </p>
<p>Felix wiped the tears away. “I dreamed about him too. It hurts.” </p>
<p>Then he fully processed Jeongin’s story and nearly sat bolt upright. Hearing Felix and Chan talk about hot chocolate from the next room…that would have been what it sounded like if Felix’s dream had been real.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Awww poor SKZ why do I make them suffer but don't worry it will be okay!</p>
<p>Thanks for reading!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Felix bit his lip to keep from saying anything. Knowing Jeongin, the younger would probably get some crazy ideas about the dorm being haunted by Chan’s ghost or something. It was bad enough feeling like Chan was still around just out of habit and reminders—which were what usually caused Jeongin to space out in the first place. </p><p>Felix refused to do that to him, and in the end…it was just a dream. It may be an interesting coincidence, but it was far from impossible. </p><p>Felix refused to do it to himself, too. He’d had his wound torn open again by his dream, by believing it was real. Accepting the devastating truth a second time was hard enough. If he started reading too much into it, he’d only hurt himself again. </p><p>He just held Jeongin until the younger fell back asleep, and didn’t move even then. </p><p>His mind was still spinning. Felix wasn’t really sure if he believed in ghosts, but the idea that some part of Chan was still around, still with them, was something he kept coming back to. It made sense, obviously, that Chan wasn’t gone just because he’d died. That’s why Felix talked to him sometimes, hoping Chan could hear and understand from wherever his soul was. </p><p>But that was…that wasn’t the same as believing his spirit, soul, ghost, whatever—was right here in the dorm acting like he was alive. </p><p>When Felix thought about it, in his dream, Chan hadn’t known what he was talking about when he mentioned the overdose and dying. Wouldn’t a ghost know about that? Or did ghosts not realize they’d died? Was Chan stuck here?</p><p>Why was he even thinking about this? He’d accepted Chan was gone, last night’s dream aside. </p><p>Hadn’t he?</p><p>Felix stared at the ceiling, thinking hard. He’d seen Chan, dead on the tile floor of the bathroom. In that very instant he’d known there was no life in his body, no soul. His body was there, but Chan was gone. </p><p>Felix had accepted that as a fact. But despite that, he’d kept turning around to look for him, talk to him, or picking up his phone to text or call. He caught himself thinking Chan was staying too late in his studio again, or trying to save a portion of food or a seat for him, for weeks after he’d died. </p><p>Still, each time that happened, the cold facts of the situation slapped him in the face again. He knew Chan was dead. </p><p>So why had he so quickly believed his dream? He’d had months of mourning, of crying, of hardly wanting to spend one second alone. Months of painful memories, a funeral, avoiding cameras, and watching the members deteriorate in their own ways. </p><p>A single hug and Chan’s reassuring voice, hardly for a few minutes, had convinced him it was all a dream? </p><p>Felix analyzed his own thoughts. He’d really believed it. Even if he’d been foggy from sleep, or overly hopeful, he would never have gone to Minho and reopened his hyung’s wounds like that, asking where Chan was. Reality should have hit him again. Why hadn’t it? </p><p> </p><p>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx</p><p> </p><p>Chan saved a file reluctantly, determined to get back to the dorm before midnight. Felix had been giving him worried glances all day, so he decided to take it easy (well, easier) for a few days until he stopped. </p><p>He punched in the code, making sure to conceal the pad with his body just in case, and stepped into the dorm. </p><p>It was dim and quiet, but Felix sat at the table drinking soju straight from the bottle in the dark, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders.</p><p>“You’re lucky you don’t have practice tomorrow,” Chan commented, slipping his shoes off.</p><p>Felix froze, then looked up with wide eyes. “Chan, you’re here.”</p><p>“Early, right?” Chan laughed. </p><p>Felix stared at him for too long, and he raised a questioning eyebrow. </p><p>“All right there? Why are you drinking alone, anyway?”</p><p>Tears welled up in Felix’s eyes and rolled down his face as he stared. Instantly, Chan moved closer, dropping his bag. “Hey, hey, don’t cry, what’s wrong?”</p><p>“Hyung,” Felix said hoarsely.</p><p>“That’s right, hyung’s here,” Chan assured him, drawing him into a hug. “Tell me what’s the matter.”</p><p>“You can’t do this to me,” Felix choked. </p><p>Chan blinked. “What?”</p><p>Felix pushed him away. “You can’t do this to me again! You’re dead; I can’t—”</p><p>“Felix, I’m fine!”</p><p>“That’s what I thought last time,” Felix hissed, “And I woke up Minho and made him sad by saying you were okay, and then when I realized—When I realized—It was like you’d died all over again. I can’t, hyung, I can’t—”</p><p>Chan drew back, baffled. First the forgotten nightmare, now this. It was kind of scaring him.</p><p>“Felix, look at me. I’m fine,” he said firmly, holding his shaking shoulders.</p><p>Felix looked away for a moment, but he obeyed after that slight hesitation, eyes roaming over Chan’s face with an expression bordering on hope. He reached out and touched Chan’s cheek, and he placed his hand over Felix’s. </p><p>“See?” he asked quietly. </p><p>“I wish you were real,” Felix whispered.</p><p>“I am,” Chan insisted. “What do you think I am, a ghost? A figment of your imagination?”</p><p>“Yes,” Felix whispered.</p><p>Chan tensed. Something was seriously wrong with Felix. </p><p>“But I’m right here in front of you,” he pressed. “I’m talking to you.” He grabbed Felix’s hands. “I’m touching you. How can you doubt that?”</p><p>Felix’s hands trembled in his. “Because you’re dead, Chan. I don’t know if I’m imagining you right now or if you’re some sort of ghost and don’t realize you died, but I can’t afford to believe it never happened. I don’t think I can take it one more time.”</p><p>Tears streaked down his cheeks. </p><p>“Felix,” Chan said gently. “I think you might need to talk to someone about this.”</p><p>“I can’t tell any of the others! They’ll think I’m crazy and it will only hurt them. Jeongin won’t be able to focus at all, Minho won’t sleep, and Hyunjin hardly eats as it is—”</p><p>“Wait, what? Since when?” Chan blinked. “And that’s not what I meant.”</p><p>“Chan, you’re gone. Did you think we’d just be the same as ever without you? How could we?” Felix tugged his hands free and covered his face. </p><p>“The others think I’m dead?”</p><p>“No, they know it.”</p><p>“But I’m not—”</p><p>“Chan, I found you! I found you dead!” Felix screamed, and shook with sobs. “Hyung, you’re gone and I miss you…”</p><p>Chan was afraid and confused, but mostly his heart ached for Felix’s obvious pain, even if it was based on some sort of delusion. </p><p>“Don’t cry,” he said, wrapping his arms around the younger. “How about I stay with you, would that help?”</p><p>Felix nodded hopelessly, and Chan stood up to pull him over to the couch and snuggle into his side. Felix eventually relaxed and nodded off, clinging to Chan’s dark hoodie, tear tracks still on his face.</p><p>When Chan woke up, Felix was gone, and the members were up making breakfast.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Poor Felix. </p><p>And wouldn't it freak you out to be in Chan's place? Oof</p><p>Thanks for reading!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Where’s Felix?”</p>
<p>“Still sleeping, probably,” Hyunjin said. </p>
<p>“Did you sleep on the couch?” Jeongin asked.</p>
<p>Chan nodded. “Felix was out here too but now he vanished.” He hesitated. Should he tell them about what had happened?</p>
<p>There was a slight possibility that he’d imagined or dreamed it. But it had been too real. He knew the difference. </p>
<p>“Has Felix been weird at all recently?” he asked instead.</p>
<p>“Weird how?” Minho wanted to know. “I mean, he’s crazy as ever, but nothing that’s not normal for him.” </p>
<p>Changbin nodded fondly. “Right. Why?”</p>
<p>Chan shrugged. “He just said some weird things the other day and then last night… But don’t worry about it, I’ll talk to Felix about it later.”</p>
<p>“Talk to me about what?” Felix said with a yawn, coming into the room.</p>
<p>Chan jumped. Felix was wearing different pajamas from last night, with his hair messy from sleep, and he looked relaxed and normal as ever. Like last night hadn’t happened—no sign of a hangover.</p>
<p>“Uhhh…”</p>
<p>Felix tilted his head. </p>
<p>“Let’s talk later,” Chan said. “We should all probably eat!”</p>
<p>Everyone seemed to agree.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Where’s Felix?”</p>
<p>He wasn’t in his bed, Minho saw. He moved to the living room in case Felix had woken up early, and stopped short when he saw Felix curled up in a tiny ball on the couch. </p>
<p>“Felix?” What was he doing out here, alone? Ever since... Ever since that day, Felix hated to be alone even for a second. He was in one member or another’s bed every night, except for a few recent times when he tried to sleep in his own bed, and he was always sticking close to somebody’s side. </p>
<p>All the members knew, despite their own issues and grief, to not leave Felix alone. He rarely isolated himself like this, not even in the same room as at least one other person. If he did…</p>
<p>Minho rushed to his side, unable to stop the fear from rising up and nearly choking him. What if Felix was…? He couldn’t be, right?</p>
<p>He was warm, as Minho touched his face, and relief rushed through him. His legs gave out and he sat down beside Felix, taking deep breaths. He knew he’d been too paranoid and anxious ever since…</p>
<p>Now that he wasn’t so afraid, Minho noticed that Felix was smiling. He blinked. Felix only smiled when he was awake. It almost hurt, to see how hard he tried to show a positive and happy face when he was hurting so much, but Minho also hated to see Felix cry, which he frequently did in his sleep or right after he woke up, often after dreaming about Chan and what had happened.</p>
<p>The other night had been one of the worst, with Felix waking up believing his dream and even coming to ask Minho where Chan was. When he’d realized, he’d cried harder than he had in weeks. </p>
<p>Minho stroked Felix’s hair, and the boy stirred and woke, looking up at Minho with a smile full of joy and adoration, which quickly faded. Felix glanced around, sitting up. He bit his lip hard and tears welled up in his eyes.</p>
<p>Minho’s eyes widened in alarm and he quickly grabbed the younger’s shoulders. “What’s wrong?” </p>
<p>Felix was shaking with sobs, despite no tears flowing. “Hyung, Chan was here again.”</p>
<p>Minho pulled Felix against his chest. “Tell me.”</p>
<p>“He just walked in…and said it was a good thing we didn’t have practice, because I was drinking…” Felix choked out between sobs. “I told him, you’re dead, but he thought I was crazy and was saying, no, I’m here, can’t you see me and hear me, you can feel me—and I could. He…hugged me, and said he’d stay as proof… But he’s gone. I tried not to believe he was…really here, but I…”</p>
<p>Minho held him. “It seems like he is here, sometimes, doesn’t it,” he said softly.</p>
<p>Felix nodded and nodded against his shoulder. “Why is he gone?” he asked brokenly. </p>
<p>Minho didn’t have an answer for him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chan closed his studio door and turned to look at Felix. </p>
<p>He wasn’t sure how to approach this because it kind of scared him, but he knew there must be something he, or some professionals, could do. </p>
<p>“Do you remember the other day, how you didn’t know what I was talking about, with the nightmare and hot chocolate?”</p>
<p>Felix nodded, eyeing him. “Yes, and…”</p>
<p>“Did you drink at all last night?”</p>
<p>Felix shook his head. “I watched a movie on my laptop with Seungmin and went to bed.” </p>
<p>“And what time was that?”</p>
<p>Felix shrugged. “I dunno, ten?” </p>
<p>“So, you weren’t up at ten thirty or eleven?”</p>
<p>Felix nodded. “It was an early night.”</p>
<p>“Because when I came back from my studio, you were sitting at the table drinking. Around eleven p.m.”</p>
<p>Felix’s brows drew together in bewilderment. “No, I wasn’t.”</p>
<p>“Felix, I know what happened. I was still totally awake, and I certainly hadn’t had anything to drink other than juice and coffee. Maybe you were drunk enough that you don’t remember?”</p>
<p>That was Chan’s hope. That it was just a drunken moment of confusion.</p>
<p>“I don’t feel hungover at all,” Felix said slowly. “And you know I can’t really drink until I forget everything.” </p>
<p>Chan nodded. “That’s what makes this so much stranger, Felix. And do you know what you said to me?”</p>
<p>Felix shook his head.</p>
<p>“You told me that I was dead, that you’d found me dead and you thought I was some sort of dream or ghost,” Chan said, watching Felix’s reaction. </p>
<p>He just looked very confused. “Why would I ever say that?”</p>
<p>“That’s what I’m trying to figure out. Since this is the second time… I’m just a little worried.” Chan shrugged. “You even told me that you couldn’t tell the others about seeing me because they were all too sensitive and grieving.”</p>
<p>“Chan…”</p>
<p>“I know it’s weird. That’s why I’m talking to you about it.” </p>
<p>Felix nodded slowly. “I really doubt any of that happened. You probably woke up and remembered a dream,” he said hesitantly. “But, if it happens again, try asking me something that only I would know that you don’t already know. Or take a video or something. Okay?”</p>
<p>Chan hadn’t thought it would be easy. “Okay, I will. I hope it doesn’t happen, though.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Felix left Chan’s studio very concerned. The first time, the hot chocolate incident, had seemed like a sign of overwork or too little sleep, but this? This was just freaky. </p>
<p>Felix knew what had happened last night, and he definitely did not feel or smell hungover at all in the morning, which he would have if he’d had anything more than a can of beer. And why would he ever accuse Chan of being dead? </p>
<p>It scared him, actually. Chan, having vivid dreams or hallucinations about his own death? Or the aftermath of it? What did that mean? Shouldn’t Felix be worried? Of course, Chan was just as he’d ever been, and normally Felix would never, ever worry that he was having any sort of harmful thoughts, but this was…</p>
<p>It was making him nervous.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'd love to hear theories if you have any!</p>
<p>Obviously, I tagged time travel, so you should know that Chan really IS there with future-Felix, he's not just a dream or vision. </p>
<p>Then again, I also tagged dream sharing, so that will have relevance later. </p>
<p>Why is this all happening? Good question. Consider it the universe or some higher power giving them a chance, only possible because of their close bond...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for following this very confusing fic!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Felix decided to talk to Minho. After the hot chocolate incident, he’d casually mentioned it, but he’d thought it was more weird than worrying. </p>
<p>He just couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. </p>
<p>“Minho-hyung.” </p>
<p>The elder looked up from his phone. </p>
<p>“Can we talk really quick?”</p>
<p>Minho nodded. “Okay.”</p>
<p>Felix fidgeted. “It’s about Chan.”</p>
<p>Minho raised an eyebrow, waiting.</p>
<p>“Yesterday, I went to bed after watching a movie with Seungmin. But this morning Chan told me that he came home and found me drinking in the middle of the night, and that I told him that he was dead.”</p>
<p>Minho’s brows drew together. “What?”</p>
<p>“He said that I thought he was a ghost or a dream, because he’d…died of an overdose.” </p>
<p>Minho’s expression grew suspicious. “Is this some sort of prank?”</p>
<p>“No, I swear. I don’t think it’s funny at all. I wondered if Chan was pranking me, too, but he seemed so serious that I’m worried.”</p>
<p>“Worried about…?” </p>
<p>Felix played with his fingers hesitantly. “I don’t know… I just think it’s weird than Chan’s having such vivid dreams or whatever about… Well, basically about him dying.”</p>
<p>Minho’s eyes narrowed. “I see. What do you think we should do?” </p>
<p>Felix shrugged. “I don’t know. I just… I think maybe we should be extra careful? Can we let the others know? For all I know it’s happened to the others too and none of us have mentioned it to each other.”</p>
<p>Minho nodded. “I guess so. I would say to wait for something else to happen, but I have been feeling extra worried about Chan lately for some reason.”</p>
<p>Felix blew out a breath. “So it’s not just me, right?”</p>
<p>Minho shook his head. “No, it’s not. Let’s just mention it to the others when we see them, okay?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Minho didn’t know what to do. His dearest friends, his self-made family, were breaking and falling apart and he felt like he should be able to fix them. But he didn’t know how to do it without Chan. </p>
<p>If Minho had been the one to die, Chan would know how to help Jeongin cope with the memories. Chan would be able to comfort Felix so he didn’t cry in his sleep and need to be around someone constantly. Chan would know exactly what to do about Hyunjin refusing to eat or Jisung eating too much. Chan would be able to coax Changbin to share his feelings instead of avoiding others. He’d be able to help Seungmin relax and come to term with things instead of doggedly avoiding them. </p>
<p>Minho tried to stop his mind from going there, but when he thought about it, it would have been so much better if he had been the one to die. He was aware that those sorts of dark thoughts, many times and sleepless nights when he obsessed over how things could have been different, blaming himself, weren’t healthy. He just pushed through because he was the oldest, now. </p>
<p>The others needed him. </p>
<p>Or he hoped so. </p>
<p>He feared he was useless, or even making things worse. </p>
<p>But when Changbin summoned a smile for him, or Jeongin focused his eyes to look at him, or when Hyunjin forced a few bites of food into his mouth at Minho’s urging, and now when Felix clung to him for comfort, Minho couldn’t imagine letting go. </p>
<p>But holding on didn’t seem like enough. He had to fix things, had to make Felix stop crying, had to just get over this already—</p>
<p>“Hyung,” Felix whispered into his shoulder. “Are you crying?”</p>
<p>“No,” Minho denied, despite becoming aware of the way he was trembling and tears burned in his eyes. </p>
<p>“You’re allowed to cry, hyung.” </p>
<p>Two tears dropped down Minho’s cheeks at the words. “Don’t worry about me, Lix,” he choked out. </p>
<p>“But you miss him too.” Felix raised his head, red-rimmed eyes focusing on Minho’s face. “And you do so much for all of us and you’re exhausted…”</p>
<p>“That’s not your fault,” Minho assured him, wiping his cheeks quickly, embarrassed to have cried when it was Felix who’d been having such a hard time. </p>
<p>“It’s not your fault, either.” Felix wiped Minho’s cheek with one hand—he’d missed a spot. “Everything that’s going on. My nightmares, everything else, it’s just… It has to happen before things get better someday.”</p>
<p>Tears welled up in the younger’s eyes, and Minho felt his heart clench. </p>
<p>“I think maybe… I think my dreams mean that if Chan was here, he wouldn’t want us to be like this. He wouldn’t want to be the reason we’re hurting. We’re always going to miss him but we still have each other, and someday we can all be happy again. Right?”</p>
<p>Minho needed to tell him yes, to tell him that grief was normal and Chan would want them to move on with their lives. The words stuck in his throat, because being happy again felt impossible. </p>
<p>“Right, hyung?” </p>
<p>“Right,” Minho whispered.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hyunjin woke up with his heart aching, and he didn’t know why. Maybe it was the lingering emotions of a sad dream, or maybe it was just an off day.  He wondered how Chan was doing.</p>
<p>A head poked into the room. “You awake?”</p>
<p>It was Felix. His knock had probably woken him up. </p>
<p>“I am now,” he said dryly. </p>
<p>“Good.” Felix came in, followed by Minho and Jeongin. </p>
<p>Hyunjin sat up. “What’s up?”</p>
<p>“Just a quick meeting,” Minho said. “It’s about Chan.”</p>
<p>Hyunjin’s heart pricked with a phantom pain, oddly. “What about him? Is something wrong?”</p>
<p>Minho and Felix exchanged glances. “We hope not,” Minho said. “But Felix has been having some weird conversations with Chan and wanted us to just be a little careful.”</p>
<p>“Weird how?” Jeongin looked unusually pale, voice a bit too quiet. </p>
<p>Hyunjin blinked at the youngest, surprised. </p>
<p>“He said that I told him he’s dead,” Felix rushed. </p>
<p>“What?” Hyunjin said flatly.</p>
<p>“I know, it’s weird! I definitely went straight to bed after a movie, but the next day Chan pulled me aside and told me that he’d found me drinking and ranted to him about how he’d died of an overdose. I swear that never happened, but Chan was so serious that I’m kind of worried.” Felix fiddled with his hands nervously. </p>
<p>“We’re not saying this to freak you out or anything, but just to keep an eye out for anything else that’s weird,” Minho said calmly. “It’s probably just because Chan hasn’t been sleeping enough. I don’t think he’s actually thinking about dying—Jeongin are you okay?”</p>
<p>When Hyunjin turned to look, the maknae had covered his ears and closed his eyes tight, shaking his head.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jeongin woke up with a start, feeling choked and terrified. Had Chan… Had Chan really known what was going to happen?</p>
<p>The dream seemed as vivid as a memory, but Jeongin could have sworn it had never happened. He tried to sort between reality and memory and dream, as Minho and Felix had tried to help him do when things got bad. But there seemed to be no difference. </p>
<p>Chan was dead. That was real. That was a memory, and he dreamed about it. So Jeongin could be sure.</p>
<p>But that conversation, his hyungs worrying about Chan… Had he forgotten it, repressed it? Had Chan really started talking about his death months before it happened? </p>
<p>Jeongin was shivering, trying to fight dozens of memories of talking to Chan, hugging him, learning from him, just seeing him everywhere. None of them had anything to do with Chan talking about dying. </p>
<p>But the memories were in the past, he reminded himself. They’re not real. They were, now they’re not. Chan was here, but now he’s not. </p>
<p>“Jeongin!” </p>
<p>Images of Chan were replaced by Hyunjin’s face. </p>
<p>Jeongin must have spaced out again. “Hyunjin-hyung,” he said, to make sure this was reality. Things felt less foggy, so it probably was. </p>
<p>“Jeongin, are you okay?”</p>
<p>He nodded once. “Dreamed about Chan. He told Felix…that Felix said he would die. Hyungs were worried.” </p>
<p>Hyunjin’s eyes widened. “I had the same dream.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The plot thickens</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Update time!</p>
<p>So proud of the boys' recent comeback ahhhh</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hyunjin woke with a start, images of a concerned Felix and Minho warning them about Chan having…premonitions about overdosing. He shivered, gripping his blankets closer to his face. He made himself get up after a few moments, knowing that walking around would ground him to reality.</p>
<p>It was just a dream.</p>
<p>Chan hadn’t really known…</p>
<p>He pushed aside his covers, climbing out of bed. Then he spotted Jeongin. The youngest was sitting propped against his pillows, frozen, eyes staring blankly. </p>
<p>Hyunjin’s heart dropped. “Jeongin?”</p>
<p>No response. </p>
<p>“Jeongin! Can you hear me? Are you okay?” Hyunjin tried again, stepping closer. </p>
<p>Two tears welled up in Jeongin’s eyes, spilling down his cheeks without any change to his vacant expression. This was bad.</p>
<p>Hyunjin sat down on the bed, grasping the youngest’s hands. “Innie, please, can you hear me?”</p>
<p>He wondered if he should try to get Minho, but he didn’t want to leave Jeongin alone like this. </p>
<p>“Jeongin!” He tried again, squeezing his hands. </p>
<p>The younger boy’s eyes flickered slightly, and Hyunjin jumped. “Jeongin? Can you see me?”</p>
<p>He kept asking, kept trying, and gradually, Jeongin’s eyes focused on him.</p>
<p>“Jeongin!” Hyunjin said in relief. </p>
<p>“Hyunjin-hyung,” Jeongin said shakily. </p>
<p>“Jeongin, are you okay?” Hyunjin checked. What had brought on this space-out?</p>
<p>He nodded once. “Dreamed about Chan. He told Felix…that Felix said he would die. Hyungs were worried.” </p>
<p>Hyunjin’s eyes widened. He spoke before he could think. “I had the same dream.”</p>
<p>Jeongin blinked at him. “Was it real then?” he whispered, and Hyunjin realized his mistake.</p>
<p>Jeongin had enough trouble distinguishing between reality, memory, and dream, as it was. It was the most worrying of all the members’ new troubles, in Hyunjin’s mind. Distracting yourself, having trouble sleeping, feeling clingy, feeling distant, even issues with appetite, seemed pretty normal. But Jeongin, their sweet maknae, had gotten hurt from spacing out in memories on numerous occasions. </p>
<p>It scared Hyunjin to see the vacant expression in his eyes, to know that Jeongin couldn’t hear or see him, to get no response from the previously lively boy. </p>
<p>So Hyunjin floundered, trying to take back his words. “Well, I just, it was a dream, I think that’s a coincidence—”</p>
<p>Jeongin’s eyes flickered, as though he was looking straight through Hyunjin, and his heart nearly stopped.</p>
<p>“Jeongin?”</p>
<p>His eyes snapped back into focus. </p>
<p>Hyunjin wrapped his arms around the younger. “It was just a dream, Jeongin. Is it that surprising that we dream the same things sometimes?” he said quietly. </p>
<p>“I guess not,” Jeongin whispered. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Felix snuggled against Changbin’s side, Seungmin on the other. Minho was talking to Changbin about Changbin’s recent projects. Changbin had revealed some of the tracks he’d been making but hadn’t let anyone look at any of his lyrics, except for Felix. </p>
<p>But now he was talking, even if vaguely, about the topic of one of his songs. Minho, of course, listened, the perfect audience. Jisung had his headphones in, sitting closer to the window, but glancing occasionally at everyone else in the room.</p>
<p>Felix tried not to think of Chan in the place where Changbin was now, assuring Felix that he was all right…</p>
<p>Hyunjin walked in, arm around Jeongin. It was rare to see the two of them at this time of night, because they both went to sleep early these days. </p>
<p>Jeongin looked like he’d been crying, and Hyunjin’s expression was more strained and worried than usual. </p>
<p>Nobody asked what had happened, because it was fairly obvious. </p>
<p>Minho stood up, wordlessly drawing Jeongin over to the other couch to sit in his lap and stroke his hair, while Seungmin patted the space beside him on the couch to invite Hyunjin. The older boy walked over and plopped down, eyes flicking over to Jeongin every few seconds. </p>
<p>Felix reached over to pat Hyunjin’s leg, giving him a reassuring smile. Everyone hated to see Jeongin space out, but Felix and Hyunjin had encountered some of the scariest instances—shaving cuts, on the street, the time Jeongin had almost drowned in the shower…</p>
<p>Hyunjin summoned a smile in response. </p>
<p>“Okay?” Felix mouthed.</p>
<p>Hyunjin nodded. </p>
<p>Felix sat back, laying his head against Changbin’s shoulder again. He felt Changbin’s head rest against his own and felt a bit better. They’d been worried that Changbin keeping his distance would put a wedge between them and the distance would only grow bigger… But he seemed to be opening up little by little once again. </p>
<p>Maybe, like Chan would want, they would be able to recover and move forward.</p>
<p>Someday.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Everyone went to bed, and Felix went with Changbin, curling up close to him, content that the other’s presence would ward off any visions or nightmares. </p>
<p>He fell asleep quickly, waking up in the middle of the night. He fought with himself for a few seconds over going to the bathroom—it was exactly this situation that he’d found Chan, three months ago—but eventually forced himself out of bed. </p>
<p>Coming back out of the bathroom, he went to go get a cup of water.</p>
<p>Chan was leaning against the counter with a cup of coffee, phone in hand. </p>
<p>Felix stopped short, blinked, then turned around. Maybe if he just walked away, the dream would end. This already felt like one of the super real ones…</p>
<p>“Felix.”</p>
<p>He couldn’t walk away from that voice.</p>
<p>“Felix, you need anything?” Chan’s voice seemed a bit cautious, not as carefree as he’d been the first two dreams. </p>
<p>Felix turned slowly around. “Just… just water…”</p>
<p>“I’ll grab you a cup,” Chan offered, turning to open a cupboard. He rummaged through. “Huh. I could have sworn we just did the dishes yesterday. Where’s the cups?”</p>
<p>Felix went slowly into the kitchen, opening the dishwasher and taking out a glass. </p>
<p>“I just put the dishes away, though…” Chan said, looking baffled. </p>
<p>“No you didn’t,” Felix whispered.</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“I’m dreaming again,” Felix said, to himself.</p>
<p>“Can you say that again?” </p>
<p>“I said I’m dreaming!” Felix looked up and froze. “Are you filming me?” </p>
<p>Chan had his phone camera pointed at Felix. Their eyes met, and Chan’s gaze was almost scared.</p>
<p>“That’s what you told me to do,” Chan said softly.</p>
<p>“When?”</p>
<p>“When you told me I must have dreamed our conversations about… About how you thought that I was dead.”</p>
<p>“You are dead,” Felix said shakily. </p>
<p>“Why do you think that?” Chan asked grimly.</p>
<p>“Because it’s true.” Felix clenched his jaw to keep it from trembling. “I already told you, I can’t do this… I want to see you but not like this, Chan, this just makes it worse…”</p>
<p>The older boy shook his head. “Felix, I’m really worried about you. How can you be like this one minute, and then deny everything another? You think I’m the crazy one?”</p>
<p>Felix couldn’t wrap his head around what Chan was saying. “I…” He swallowed, eyes stinging, and tried again. “I’m just trying...”</p>
<p>Tears spilled down his cheeks, and he ran to Chan in spite of himself, throwing his arms around the older. </p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” he choked out. “It… I want to see you, even like this. I miss you so much…”</p>
<p>Chan seemed to have frozen in shock. </p>
<p>“Felix, I’m sorry…”</p>
<p>Felix sobbed harder.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chan’s heart ached. He was fine, but Felix’s pain seemed so real… He could only embrace the younger, hoping that somehow he could fix this. He rocked him, side to side, as Felix cried into his shoulder. </p>
<p>Eventually, he stroked the back on his head and murmured, “should you get back to sleep?”</p>
<p>“Come with me?” Felix whispered.</p>
<p>Chan nodded, and they walked together down the hall to the bedrooms. Felix reached out to open the door and Chan’s vision darkened for a moment. Feeling dizzy, he leaned against the doorframe, and when his vision cleared he stepped forward. </p>
<p>The light was on in the room, and Changbin looked up, startled. “Chan?”</p>
<p>Felix had vanished.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The plot thickens, as always. </p>
<p>And I'm sorry, Innie, I love you I promise...</p>
<p>As always, thanks for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here we goooo</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chan had a headache. He could have sworn he’d just followed Felix into his room, but when he turned around and went back out into the main room, Felix was on the couch, and looked up like nothing had happened. </p><p>For the first time, Chan felt a flicker of doubt of whether there actually was something he was forgetting, unaware of… imagining. </p><p>“Felix, can we talk?”</p><p>Felix’s gaze became a bit wary, but he nodded. Chan’s gaze flickered to Hyunjin and Jisung, who were in the room on the other couch, giving them sidelong looks. They hastily looked away when Chan looked their way. </p><p>“We can talk here, right?” Felix asked, and Chan didn’t want to say no.</p><p>He nodded, walking over to sit next to Felix. </p><p>“It happened again,” he said quietly.</p><p>Felix looked at him sharply. </p><p>“Yeah.” Chan sighed. “I… um, took a video. You were really freaking out, this time. It scared me.”</p><p>Felix didn’t respond, so Chan took his phone out and opened his camera roll. </p><p>Huh. </p><p>He refreshed, but the latest video he’d taken didn’t show up. He’d made sure he was recording, he was certain. Had he accidentally deleted the video somehow?</p><p>“Hyung?” Felix prompted.</p><p>“It—It was right here,” Chan said, closing and reopening the app, then checking the deleted videos history. “Maybe I didn’t record? But I was sure…”</p><p>It was impossible to miss the way Felix was looking at him. </p><p>“When did it happen?” the younger asked softly.</p><p>“Just now…” Chan hesitated. “Well, I felt dizzy a bit earlier so it could have been longer because I had to sit down for a few minutes…” </p><p>“But no more than ten or twenty minutes ago?” </p><p>Chan nodded, feeling stranger and stranger. He could tell the difference between dream and reality. He knew what he’d seen, heard, felt, was real. Felix had been crying… </p><p>Felix had been wearing totally different clothes.</p><p>“Chan, Hyunjin, Jisung and I have been in here for at least two hours,” Felix said quietly. “I think you were dreaming…”</p><p>“No, I wasn’t.” Chan shook his head. “Felix, I know it wasn’t a dream. It wasn’t fake. It was real.”</p><p>“Hyung…”</p><p>“Felix, I’m not lying!”</p><p>“I didn’t think you were lying.” Felix’s voice was serious. </p><p>Chan looked up sharply. Felix met his gaze, looking determined but almost nervous.</p><p>“Felix, I’m not crazy.” </p><p>“I didn’t say you were,” Felix said, but after too long a pause.</p><p>“I’m really not,” Chan said. “You were the one…”</p><p>“So one of us is crazy?” Felix countered. “Except it’s not just your word against mine, hyung. The members all back up my side. None of that stuff ever happened.” He bit his lip.</p><p>Chan stared at him. He wanted to argue, but Felix was right. In addition, Chan was the eldest, the leader. He couldn’t defend himself by claiming Felix was crazy and the other members were liars. It just wasn’t likely.</p><p>It made him feel uneasy, incredibly so, but he had to admit for the sake of his members that maybe the problem lay with him. </p><p>“Hyung?” Felix asked. </p><p>“I don’t know,” Chan said. “I know—I think I know—that it wasn’t just a dream. But—”</p><p>He stopped. </p><p>“Maybe we should talk to someone.” Felix’s expression made it clear that he meant ‘someone’ professional. </p><p>Chan nodded. He had to. If something was actually wrong, he would never put the group in jeopardy by failing to take care of it. </p><p>He tried not to panic. If he really was imagining things—hallucinating—what would that mean? What if it was a sign of a serious mental disorder? Or a side effect of a terminal illness or brain cancer or something? How would he face everyone? What would happen to Stays? To Stray Kids?</p><p>“Chan, it’s okay.” Felix’s voice murmured against his ear, and he realized the younger had drawn him into a hug. He hesitated. ”Right?”</p><p>It had been a long time, but Chan felt unreasonable fear and turmoil overwhelming him. He needed to take his meds—the ones he kept in his own locked drawer and made sure the other members didn’t know about so they didn’t worry. </p><p>He tried to at least nod for Felix’s sake, but couldn’t summon the resolve. He buried his face on Felix’s shoulder and tried to breathe. </p><p>“Hyung?” Felix’s voice rose.</p><p>Chan desperately tried to reassure him. “I’m… fine.” He gasped in a tiny breath. “Just a… a second…” He squeezed his eyes shut.</p><p>He vaguely saw Hyunjin and Jisung come over hurriedly, but he just clung to Felix and took one breath after another.</p><p> </p><p>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx</p><p> </p><p>Minho stayed with Jeongin until the younger decided he wanted to go to bed. Minho followed him, determined not to leave the youngest alone. Of course, he made sure someone was staying with Felix, too, but it looked like Jisung and Seungmin were sticking close tonight. </p><p>Minho made sure the covers were comfortably over Jeongin to keep him warm, running his hand calmingly through Jeongin’s hair. He wasn’t going to ask him what had happened, but he knew from experience that as Jeongin was falling asleep, he’d start talking.</p><p>Sure enough, after a few minutes, Jeongin murmured, “Dreamed about Chan-hyung.”</p><p>He’d thought so, but just ‘mmm’ed in response.</p><p>“He knew. It was about a long time ago, but Chan was saying… that someone told him he was dead.” </p><p>Minho just kept listening, thinking that was an odd nightmare.</p><p>“Felix-hyung. In my dream, Chan-hyung said that Felix had been crying and told him he was already dead from an overdose. Like he’d seen the future, but only Felix.” Jeongin’s voice shook. “That didn’t happen, right? Even if Hyunjin-hyung dreamed it too…”</p><p>“No, baby. It didn’t happen.” Minho kept stroking his hair, and Jeongin eventually fell asleep.</p><p>This was the part where Minho should sleep, too, but thoughts plagued him. </p><p>Jeongin’s dream… Felix’s dreams… seemed like two sides of the same coin. Chan, alive and talking to Felix. </p><p>If the current Felix and the past Chan talked, that’s how it would be. Maybe that’s why Jeongin had dreamed that. Chan being told about his death while being alive and well, Felix seeing a dead Chan alive. </p><p>Hadn’t Jeongin said Hyunjin dreamed the same thing? What were the chances of that? </p><p>What was going—</p><p>Nothing. Nothing was going on. They were grieving, even somewhat traumatized. Coincidences like these would happen. It made sense that Felix and the others would dream about Chan. Minho did, too. With Felix’s dreams, maybe the others had thought about how Chan would feel if that was reality. </p><p>But it wasn’t. </p><p>Minho finally fell asleep after an hour or so. </p><p>He dreamed of the members gathered in the living room with a shaken-looking Chan leaning into Felix. He dreamed that Chan had told them about his anxiety and the medication he was taking—something that had never happened, not until too late. </p><p>He dreamed that he went over to reassure Chan, drawing him into his arms and assuring him that they would take care of him. </p><p>He woke with tears streaming down his cheeks. </p><p> </p><p>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading! Stan stray kids lol</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>HIIII thanks for reading!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I’m sorry I didn’t tell any of you. It was an issue in my early trainee days but I haven’t needed meds in a long time.” Chan wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie. “I promise things are under control. I really don’t think it’s that big of a deal, or I would have told you, but I didn’t want you to worry. It’s just… the past week or so and the weird things are stressing me out I guess. I’m okay, though…”</p>
<p>Minho hugged him tighter, and Felix squeezed his hand. </p>
<p>Jeongin wished he’d known sooner. He felt guilty for not noticing.</p>
<p>“Could the meds have side effects?” Changbin asked.</p>
<p>“I’ve been taking them for months. I never noticed anything off. Did you guys?”</p>
<p>They all shook their heads. They wouldn’t have imagined he was taking medication at all. </p>
<p>Chan sighed. “I think it’s not related. But something… is probably going on. I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“Stop apologizing,” Jeongin grumbled. “It’s fine.”</p>
<p>Chan gave him a small smile. “Thanks, Innie.” </p>
<p>“Should we talk to a manager, then?” Jisung wondered.</p>
<p>“I’ll take care of it, with Felix,” Chan said. “I don’t want you guys to worry too much. It’s probably what I get for not sleeping enough, just like you always said.” He summoned a laugh, but Jeongin could see that he was scared. </p>
<p>He hated that. Chan was their leader, imperfect but perfect all the same. Jeongin loved him; he didn’t feel ashamed to admit it, at least to himself. He was like an older brother, almost a father, a best friend. He shouldn’t be scared, he shouldn’t be crying. </p>
<p>Much less because he was trying to protect the rest of them.</p>
<p>He got up and walked over to the couch, crouching in front of the eldest. “Hyung. We like worrying. Just let us. It’s not going to hurt us.”</p>
<p>Chan was looking a little stubborn, which was reassuring because that was normal. </p>
<p>“Jeongin, I’m the leader, remember? I know what I’m doing. I’m allowed to take one for the team.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Jeongin conceded. “But it’s not just one, hyung. It’s over and over and over. Whenever the company says we need to fix something or we get scolded, whenever anyone’s homesick or hurt, you’re always the one taking on all of it. You don’t have to do that!”</p>
<p>The other members were nodding. </p>
<p>“Innie’s right,” Minho put in. “We appreciate that you do all that. Truly. But never at the cost of your own health. Why do you think we’re always bugging you about sleeping?”</p>
<p>Chan sighed. “I’m glad you understand, at least. It really isn’t that bad, I swear. This is an exception, you know?”</p>
<p>Jeongin shifted into Chan’s lap to hug him without pushing away Felix or Minho. “If you say so.”</p>
<p>Things would be okay now, he was sure. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx</p>
<p> </p>
<p>On Saturdays, two therapists came over and they all took turns. Felix and Seungmin usually went first. </p>
<p>They’d only seen these therapists for four weeks, counting today, but they knew Dr. Hong and Dr. Yoo pretty well already, as well as the other members’ habits when they had their half-hour to hour-long sessions. </p>
<p>Seungmin was polite and tried his best to answer everything, but almost unconsciously avoided talking about the hardest things.</p>
<p>Felix tended to be quiet at first, but as the session continued, he would ramble about his thoughts and feelings from the past week. He always felt better in the end for at least letting his thoughts out. </p>
<p>Hyunjin was moody, insisting there wasn’t much point in talking. He said things would work themselves out but it was too soon to expect that.</p>
<p>Jeongin was quiet, and would space out in the middle of talking if he got to talking. The doctors were clearly worried about him in particular. </p>
<p>Changbin refused to say much, both in the sessions and about the sessions. Jisung thought he was probably of the same opinion as Hyunjin. </p>
<p>Minho also tried his best to open up because he wanted it to help, but some things just couldn’t be put into words, and some things just couldn’t be fixed, so why waste time talking about it? </p>
<p>Jisung showed his serious side to them, deciding to go all in and just try to speak all his thoughts and worries in case they could help. </p>
<p>He bowed to Dr. Hong when it was his turn. “Hi, noona.”</p>
<p>“Hi, Jisung. Did you sleep well?” </p>
<p>He shrugged. He’d slept for a long time but never seemed to feel refreshed. He’d mentioned it before, so she knew. </p>
<p>“I see.” She motioned to invite him to sit, and he took a seat on the bed while she was in the chair from Minho’s desk. </p>
<p>After the usual questions, and the follow-up on his goals from last week—which were mostly about controlling his overeating—Dr. Hong leaned forward slightly. </p>
<p>“Jisung, the others all mentioned a lot of dreams about Chan. Have you had anything similar going on? Any other worries about that?”</p>
<p>Jisung thought about it. Obviously, he also struggled with Chan’s death. He frequently thought about, and dreamed about, Chan. The dreams had ranged from nightmares to memories to totally imaginary scenarios. </p>
<p>Dr. Hong knew that.</p>
<p>“Besides the usual?” he checked.</p>
<p>She nodded. </p>
<p>Maybe there was something. Jisung had been dreaming about himself recently. He’d dreamed about being worried for Chan, like he’d known what would happen, and discussing it in hushed tones with the other members. He didn’t like those dreams, because they always gave him the feeling that if they’d just paid a little more attention, if Jisung had just noticed, then maybe something could have been done in time.</p>
<p>Just the other night he’d had dreams of the members crowded around Chan, who was crying. He’d opened up to them about his anxiety and that he was taking meds for it, but Jisung had felt a sense of dread instead of camaraderie. </p>
<p>The situation he’d dreamed of was fake. Chan had kept it hidden, and then it had been too late. But what if it hadn’t been? What if they’d been better? Wouldn’t Chan have told them and then this could have been prevented? </p>
<p>He’d been so concerned about Chan, in his dream. They all had. Was that a sign that they should have noticed? That this was his—and everyone’s—fault? </p>
<p>He tried to express that to Dr. Hong, unable to stop stinging tears from spilling down his cheeks at the confession. </p>
<p>Dr. Hong listened—she was good at that—and then took a few notes. “I don’t think I’m giving away too much, but some of the others seem to share that sentiment. With the bond you all shared, this is totally natural. However, I want to assure you that you did nothing wrong. None of this came about through your own neglect. Do you believe that?”</p>
<p>Jisung wiped his eyes and nodded. “Yeah, yeah I just…”</p>
<p>“Emotions are difficult to control, even when we want to,” Dr. Hong said. “There’s nothing wrong with them, either. However, improperly handling these sort of negative emotions can lead to the situations you and the others find yourself in. That’s why we’re meeting, right? We can work things out in time. You’re doing wonderfully, Jisung. You should feel proud of yourself. You can let yourself be proud of all the progress your making.”</p>
<p>Jisung snorted. “It doesn’t feel like progress.”</p>
<p>Dr. Hong shook her head. “I know. But believe me, you’re doing well. You’re really trying to open up and figure things out, and that’s often the hardest step for people to make.”</p>
<p>Jisung nodded, feeling a bit choked up again. He resolved to put those dreams out of his head and focus and his progress from now on.</p>
<p>Hopefully he could help the others do the same. </p>
<p>This week, he decided, he would meet all his goals about limiting his overeating. He could do this. Chan would want that, too.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Jisung is a great person. I'm sorry I'm putting him and all of them through all this! But never fear, things will turn out all right.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorrrryyyy I haven't updated in a while. I haven't abandoned this fic, though!!</p><p>Thanks for your patience</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chan woke up in a pile of Kids. Stray Kids, specifically. He remembered the long talk they’d all had last night and felt like millions of pounds of weight had lifted off of his shoulders. They knew. He felt better now that they knew. He’d known that it would be fine if they knew, but he’d been, well, anxious. He didn’t want to burden or distract them with his issue when they had concerns of their own. But on the contrary, everyone seemed more relaxed now, with four mattresses shoved onto the largest bedroom’s floor for them all to dogpile up for the night. </p><p>Chan extracted himself from the pile, tiptoeing out of the room, using the restroom, and emerging to go get a drink from the fridge. </p><p>Felix sat at the counter and Jeongin stood in front of the fridge, staring blankly at the shelves of food. They must have gotten up while he was in the restroom.</p><p>Chan walked over and waved his hand in front of the maknae’s face, grinning. “Whatcha thinking about?”</p><p>Jeongin’s eyes didn’t focus for a few seconds, then he stared at Chan. Then he started to cry. </p><p>“Jeongin, what’s—” Felix looked up from his phone and dropped it with a clatter. “Chan!”</p><p>Chan automatically put his arms around Jeongin the instant he started crying, and looked at Felix over the maknae’s shoulder. “Good…morning? Jeongin, what’s wrong, sweetie?” </p><p>“What’s wrong?” he mouthed at Felix, who was staring at him still. </p><p>“Jeongin, is this about last night? I know you’re worried about the anxiety meds, but I’m fine, remember?”</p><p>Jeongin started to sob. </p><p>“Jeongin,” Felix said softly. “I’m here.” </p><p>“I—I—” Jeongin gasped out. “I see Chan-hyung… I’m…stuck…” </p><p>Felix walked over, slowly, and put his arms around Jeongin from behind, sandwiching the youngest between him and Chan. “I see him too.”</p><p>He looked into Chan’s eyes. “He’s really here.” </p><p> </p><p>:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Jeongin didn’t know what to do. Chan was here, solid and breathing and asking him what was wrong. Felix was here, too. Did that mean this was real, or not? </p><p>He wanted it to be real. He’d missed him so much. Crying into his solid shoulder, wrapped in his arms, felt like everything he’d been longing for from the moment the news of Chan’s death had sunk in. He couldn’t stop crying, but his joy and relief were almost swamped by fear that this was all in his head. It probably was…</p><p>“He’s really here,” Felix said quietly. </p><p>Jeongin believed him. </p><p>:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>“Did you… Did you not die?” Jeongin sniffled. “Or did you somehow come back? I missed you…”</p><p>“Jeongin, nothing happened. Did you have a nightmare?”</p><p>The maknae met Chan’s eyes, and the hollowness and pain he saw there shook him badly. “I wish it was.”</p><p>Felix stroked Jeongin’s hair gently. “It was real. Somehow, he keeps coming to see us, though. That’s what I think.” </p><p>Chan’s heart sank. “Not again.”</p><p>“No, Chan, listen.” Felix’s eyes were red-rimmed as though he was about to start crying. “Three months ago, you… You died and Jeongin keeps spacing out… He’s cut himself and keeps having accidents because of the grief and PTSD. Do you really think we’re lying to you? Now it’s two of us!”</p><p>Chan took a step away from Jeongin, met by a heart-wrenching whine in response, to look at both of them. </p><p>“No, you’re not lying. And you’re not crazy. I am,” he said, fighting down panic. </p><p>He walked away down the hall, and found all the members, Felix and Jeongin included, still lying in a heap on the giant makeshift mattress. </p><p>Chan had to lean against the doorframe to keep from falling over. He really was going insane. No other explanation. The panic kept rising and rising. With a croak of, “Felix,” Chan sank to the floor, struggling to breathe. </p><p> </p><p>::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Jeongin watched Chan disappear before his eyes, almost. When Chan started to leave, Jeongin had followed him, but the second he lost sight of him, Chan vanished. </p><p>Reality hit him. Like a sledgehammer to the gut. He collapsed, feeling pain physically as he curled up on the ground, nearly choking on his own tears. “He’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone…” </p><p>The hallway dissolved, it was just Jeongin all alone in the dark. He’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone, he’s dead…dead, dead, dead, dead, dead…</p><p> </p><p>::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Felix saw Jeongin collapse and knew Chan had disappeared again. He didn’t know how it happened, but he knew how hard it was. Even know, Chan’s absence hit him like a punch to the gut, like a knife piercing his heart. He ran to Jeongin’s side, watching him sob harder than ever, covering his head with his arms defensively. </p><p>For a moment, Felix was almost angry at Chan for making them go through this. Jeongin had suffered enough. Too much. He stroked Jeongin’s hair, trying to calm him in a soft voice, though he doubted the youngest could really hear him. Gradually, Jeongin quieted, eyes dazed as tears continued to drip down his cheeks. </p><p>“Jeongin?” Felix asked, just in case. </p><p>No response, verbal or otherwise. He hated this. It spooked him, to see Jeongin so absent like this. </p><p>It reminded him of finding Chan that morning. </p><p>It reminded him of death. </p><p>“Felix? Jeongin!?” Hyunjin’s voice startled Felix, and he realized he’d been on the brink of a breakdown. </p><p>“Hyunjin,” he said gratefully, and realized he was crying when his voice came out choked. “Hyunjin, Jeongin and I saw Chan…”</p><p> </p><p>:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Felix woke up upon hearing his own name. He’d had a terrible dream that he didn’t want to think too hard about at this moment, and seeing Chan semi-collapsed in the doorway pushed the thought out of his mind.</p><p>“Hyung!” he cried, scrambling to get up and reach his side. “Hyung, are you okay? Can you breathe?” </p><p>Chan nodded, then shook his head, eyes squeezed shut in concentration. </p><p>“Ummm, um, okay, just, I’m right here, you’re okay… We’re all here,” Felix scrambled to find the right words to say in this situation. </p><p>The other members were all sitting up by now, expressions going from curious to concerned when they saw Chan keeled over with Felix rubbing his back.</p><p>“Just try to take a breath in, and back out, okay?” Felix suggested, feeling a little dumb telling Chan how to breathe, but to his relief the eldest seemed to be following his words, eyes still tight closed.</p><p>After a few more breaths, Chan spoke. </p><p>“Felix,” he managed. “Do you think I should be dead right now?”</p><p>Felix’s eyes widened as the other members gasped. “W-What?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>AHHHHHHHHH</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for the wait! This chapter's just a bit longer than usual to make up for it :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Minho’s heart dropped when he heard Chan’s words. He hadn’t wanted to think the worst about Chan’s state of mental health, but this… This seemed undeniable. </p><p>“Do you think I should be dead right now?”</p><p>They were shell-shocked.   </p><p>“No,” Felix finally croaked. “No, I don’t think that.” </p><p>Chan let out a long breath and let his head fall into Felix’s lap, eyes falling closed. </p><p>“Chan?” Felix asked in alarm, and Minho’s heart nearly stopped.</p><p>Felix shook the older boy’s shoulder lightly. “I… I think he passed out,” he said numbly.</p><p>Minho finally forced himself to take charge. “Hyunjin, call an ambulance. Something’s up.” </p><p>The younger boy scrambled for his cell phone while the others crowded around Chan. Felix warded them off with startling protectiveness. “No! Give him space!” he growled, shielding Chan with his arms and torso. </p><p>Minho nodded. “Felix is right. Give him room,” he seconded, glancing at Hyunjin, who was stammering out their address on the phone. </p><p>The boys reluctantly drew back. Jeongin especially looked loathe to leave Chan’s side. Minho understood. He had to fight down the feeling that they were close to…to losing Chan, the way he’d kept having nightmares about. He had a suspicion that the others had been having equally disturbing dreams. </p><p>“They’re sending an ambulance,” Hyunjin said, hanging up. “Should we try to bring him downstairs?”</p><p>“Is it safe to move him?” Seungmin asked anxiously. </p><p>“There’s no reason it wouldn’t be; you’re thinking of when people break bones.” Jisung took a deep breath. “Lix, Changbin, do you want to…?”</p><p>Felix made room for Changbin, and together they hoisted the leader into a chair-carry. Jeongin held the door for them and Minho stuck to Hyunjin to ask what the hospital had said. </p><p>“Nothing much. They say it might be nothing but it’s best to bring him in just in case.” Hyunjin hesitated. “Do you…”</p><p>“Yes?” Minho prompted as they followed the other members out of the apartment. </p><p>“Do you think we should tell the doctors what he said?” Hyunjin said in a hushed tone. </p><p>Minho’s heart dropped. “What? No—Well.” He took a breath. “Let’s just see what’s wrong first. It… It might not be what it seems.”</p><p>Hyunjin nodded. “Okay.”</p><p> </p><p>::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Chan woke to sterile white lights and a murmur of voices. As he became aware of his own body again, he realized someone was gripping his hand and looked to the side to see Felix sitting in a chair beside his bed.</p><p>His hospital bed.</p><p>What had happened?</p><p>“Felix?” he croaked. </p><p>The younger jumped. “Hyung! You’re awake.” His eyes were wide and his grip on Chan’s hand tightened. </p><p>“What happened?” Chan asked. </p><p>Felix hesitated. “I’m not sure. We all slept in Minho’s room and then by the time I woke up you came in looking awful and you were collapsing and you said—” Felix bit his lip. “Anyway, you passed out and so we called an ambulance. It’s only been an hour.” </p><p>Chan tried to organize his thoughts. He could have sworn he’d had a conversation with Felix and Jeongin, one of the crazy ones. No, those were crazy; that hadn’t happened. Why had he passed out? </p><p>“Chan’s awake?” Minho appeared suddenly, and soon all the members were standing around, trying to say things all at once. </p><p>Chan had a headache but he was glad they were there. Felix shushed the others. “Quiet down!”</p><p>They did, shuffling their feet. </p><p>“Jisung, go get the doctor,” Minho ordered, and the younger left the room. He turned back to Chan. “Are you feeling okay?” His eyes were concerned; almost sad. </p><p>Chan nodded. “My head hurts a little,” he admitted. “And I’m thirsty…”</p><p>Jeongin disappeared in a flash. </p><p>“I think it must just be the exam they did on you and the result of passing out like that,” Seungmin said reassuringly. “Jeongin went to get you water; don’t worry.”</p><p>Chan just nodded. His head was pounding, and he felt oddly tired. He didn’t even have the energy to panic about ending up in the hospital when just a few days ago everything was totally fine. </p><p>Jeongin returned with a cup of water, which he offered to Chan with large, concerned eyes. Chan took it gratefully, trying not to spill any when he realized his hands had almost no strength. What was going on? </p><p>“I feel so tired,” he said after drinking, and was almost taken aback by the way all the members flinched. </p><p>“You… you can rest, you know that?” Minho put in, sitting on the edge of Chan’s bed. </p><p>“I am,” Chan said, confused, glancing around at the hospital room. “Or, I was.” </p><p>They didn’t seem to look amused, or reassured, and Chan took another drink to try to avoid the oddly heavy atmosphere. Why wasn’t anyone trying to lighten the mood? Why wasn’t anyone draped over him or teasing him or doing anything other than stare at him in concern?</p><p>A doctor came in abruptly, shooing all of the kids away, except for Felix and Minho. </p><p>“So, Chan,” the doctor said, sounding professional but not unnaturally cheerful, thankfully. “I hear you’ve been taking anxiety medication?”</p><p>Chan nodded. </p><p>“For how long?”</p><p>“I took it for a couple years when I was around sixteen to eighteen, and then only within the past five months.”</p><p>“Are you taking it properly, as instructed? No more, no less?” </p><p>“Of course.” Chan blinked. “The prescription changed slightly a month in but the doctor knew about that.” </p><p>“Have you been receiving any therapy or counselling for your anxiety?” </p><p>“Not really. I’m just too busy, so just in my monthly checkups. Nothing longer than half an hour. It never seemed to do much.” Chan shifted, feeling slightly awkward with Minho and Felix there, but also steadied by their presence.</p><p>“I see. Have you noticed any changes to your health, mental or physical, within the past month?”</p><p>Chan swallowed. “Um. I think I’ve been having hallucinations.”</p><p>The doctor looked slightly surprised. “How so?” </p><p>Chan tried to explain that he would be doing things as normal, but would have impossible conversations with one or more of the members, which later they would not remember at all, and the details didn’t line up either. “They seemed so real that at first I was worried about Felix, that he was having nightmares or something. But then I started to doubt myself… I don’t know how to trust myself when it all seems real but some of it must be false.”</p><p>He knew, logically, that something must be wrong with him. The scary part was that he didn’t feel like anything had been fake or dreamed up or hallucinating. There was no point when he “woke up” and realized he’d been wrong. How was he supposed to know what was reality? What if he did something wrong thinking it was reality, or what if he did something wrong in reality, thinking he was hallucinating?</p><p>The doctor tapped his pen against his clipboard thoughtfully. Fortunately, though he seemed realistically surprised by Chan’s admission, he didn’t seem too shocked or judgmental, and he wasn’t treating Chan like he was crazy, either, which was nice. </p><p>“You two can confirm this?” he asked Minho and Felix, who nodded.</p><p>“Then I doubt it’s just a sleep disorder or some sort of dreams. I’ll consult with a specialist and we’ll see if we can figure out some medications for the meantime, though psychotherapy may be necessary if the root of this issue is a little deeper than we may assume. And Chan, I don’t want you to doubt yourself too much. It can be frightening to feel like you can’t trust your own mind. To an extent, you can remind yourself that what you see and feel may not be real, but there’s no reason to feel guilty or ashamed about it. You are still in control, and with the help of your friends and professionals, you can get back to where you want to be. Does that sound okay?”</p><p>Chan nodded, feeling both overwhelmed and hopeful. </p><p> </p><p>:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin sometimes felt like he wasn’t suffering enough. He was able to function normally, while Minho had insomnia, Felix extreme separation anxiety, Jisung and Hyunjin eating issues, Changbin depression, and Jeongin… Jeongin’s mind tried to cope with the grief but only ended up betraying him. </p><p>Seungmin missed Chan, grieved for him, cried for him, but he went on. What else could he do? But he wondered, sometimes, if he hadn’t loved Chan as much as the others. It wasn’t fair that he was, while not fine, at least okay, in some sense of the word. </p><p>The therapists told him it was okay to grieve and Seungmin insisted that’s what he was doing. If he wasn’t grieving, what else was the pain he carried around through every task that used to be so simple? He just wasn’t as affected as the others, that was why. That was all.</p><p>Seungmin emerged from his room when he heard voices in the hall. They sounded distressed. He opened his door to find Jeongin collapsed on the floor, spaced out with tears running down his cheeks, and only vaguely processed the fact that Felix was crying into Hyunjin’s shoulder. </p><p>He rushed forward, dropping to his knees and, trembling, reached to wipe the tears from Jeongin’s expressionless face. </p><p>“Hey, Jeongin? Innie, can you hear me?” he rasped. </p><p>Of course Jeongin didn’t react. Seungmin settled for cradling his head, finally looking up at Felix and Hyunjin. Hyunjin looked distressed, the pain on his face obvious even as he stroked Felix’s hair to comfort him. </p><p>“What happened?” Seungmin managed.</p><p>“Felix says they saw Chan,” Hyunjin said, “Both of them. Same thing, same time. Felix thinks it might be real.” </p><p>Oh. </p><p>Seungmin could only imagine how Felix felt after seeing Chan so vividly multiple times, only for him to keep disappearing. </p><p>As for Jeongin, if he even had the slightest hope that Chan really had been here, that would surely mess him up almost as badly as the times in the first few weeks when he’d forgotten that Chan was gone. </p><p>He cradled Jeongin’s head and cried along with the other three. Cried for Chan, cried for how they were all suffering… </p><p>Cried for himself.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading! Don't cry too much, it'll work out in the end! </p><p>Also take care of yourselves. You deserve it. :D</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry it's been so long since I updated! I had finals but now they're over hooray!!</p><p>Anyway thanks for reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>By the time managers, the company, and families had all been updated on the situation, Chan was exhausted, slightly embarrassed, and feeling much better. Things would be fine now, thanks to the new bottles of pills to line up in the medicine cabinet. </p><p>The members couldn’t seem to leave him alone, and either Jeongin or Felix was constantly at his side all day and back to the dorms. Even at the dorms, they wouldn’t leave him alone. Not that he necessarily wanted them too; it just struck him as odd.</p><p>“Guys, guys, I’m fine. I don’t want you all to worry,” Chan finally said when a few of the members crowded into the bathroom after him when he went to take his pills before bed. (Bedtime would be several hours earlier than normal for now, until Chan settled into the new meds). </p><p>They exchanged another one of those worried looks.</p><p>“You don’t believe me?” Chan asked.</p><p>“Ow!” Minho yelped, glaring at Hyunjin, who had apparently just elbowed him. </p><p>Chan raised an eyebrow. “Okay, what is it? You guys have been acting weird. And I mean weirder than this situation warrants.” He tried to fight down a wave of embarrassment. </p><p>“Felix, you want to…?” Minho asked. </p><p>Felix hesitated, then nodded.</p><p>“Felix and I have something to talk about,” Minho said after taking a deep breath. “But it can wait. We’ll let you do your thing.” He shooed the others out of the bathroom.</p><p>Chan tilted his head. What did they want to talk about?</p><p>He opened the door to follow them and assure them they could tell him now, without worrying too much. He had to go to the kitchen to find Felix and Jeongin on the couch. </p><p>Something felt slightly off. </p><p>“Guys?” </p><p>They looked up, and Felix jumped to his feet. Jeongin stumbled upright a moment later, nearly running to Chan and falling against him, squeezing him almost painfully tight. </p><p>“Jeongin?” he asked, getting a sinking feeling.</p><p>“Chan, you’re back,” Felix said with wide eyes. “It’s only been a day.” </p><p>“Don’t tell me I’m dead?” Chan asked, dreading the answer. </p><p>Felix nodded. “Or—here you are. Maybe not where you came from.”</p><p>A loud crash interrupted, and Chan turned to see Jisung with various items scattered on the floor that he’d dropped.</p><p>“Ch—Chan,” he stammered. </p><p>“Don’t freak out!” Felix said quickly. “I don’t think he believes he’s dead and we’re scaring him.”</p><p>“You’re right about that.” Chan had the urge to escape the room but Jeongin was still holding on to him, and even in a hallucination he didn’t want to leave him. </p><p>I really am going crazy, he thought, feeling panic rising. There was no way the three of them were acting, or that all three of them had gone equally crazy. Chan should have taken those meds. Or had he already? What happened to his real body while he was hallucinating? Was he collapsed in the bathroom, or just spaced out?</p><p>“I think we’re not crazy, none of us,” Felix was saying. “You too, hyung. You really did die, Chan. But not you, a different you. Wherever you keep coming from, you didn’t die. Here, you did. I don’t know how or why but—”</p><p>“That’s not possible, Felix,” Chan interrupted.</p><p>“Chan,” Felix said. “What day is it today?” </p><p>“June 15th, I think,” Chan answered, startled. </p><p>“It’s October 20th,” Felix said. </p><p>“No way—” Chan stopped when Jeongin whimpered slightly at his harsh tone. </p><p>Felix went and snatched his phone off of the counter. He held it up, displaying the clock and the date below it. October 20th. At least the year was the same. </p><p>One way to prove it. Chan reluctantly let Jeongin go—though the maknae let out a small, heart-wrenching cry—and went to the window. He was met with a view of unmistakably autumn trees and weather. </p><p>“I’m crazy,” he said, sinking into a crouch and putting his head in his hands. “I’m hallucinating, I need...”</p><p>Jisung finally spoke. “Is it…really Chan?”</p><p>Felix nodded. “Listen, guys, Chan is real. We’re real, Chan. I know I’m not crazy, so you must not be crazy either, right?” His expression lit up. “Let’s write notes!” He rushed to grab a pen and a pad of paper of the table. </p><p>He scrawled down a message, shoving the paper into Chan’s hand. “That’s my handwriting! I assume it’s going to be the same where you come from. Try showing me, there.”</p><p>Chan looked at the slightly crumpled paper, but couldn’t read it before Jeongin was clinging to him again. </p><p>Jisung still looked shell-shocked. “Chan’s here. He’s alive.” </p><p>“Yes, I’m alive. Jeongin, baby, please stop crying.” It hurt his heart to see the maknae like this, especially when, supposedly, it was because of Chan. </p><p>Jeongin squeezed him harder and Chan wondered if he would ever let go. </p><p>“Minho-hyung, Hyunjin, Seungmin, Changbin!” Felix was calling, still keeping his eyes on Chan. “Come here, now!”</p><p> </p><p>After just a few moments, a few people stumbled down the hall, Minho in the lead looking scared at the urgency in Felix’s voice. </p><p>The four of them stopped when they saw Chan. Seungmin burst into tears, Changbin and Hyunjin just stared, and Minho slumped to the floor, passed out. </p><p> </p><p>::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>They all rushed towards Minho, Felix included, but when he’d turned back around Chan was gone. </p><p>Jeongin was on his hands and knees on the floor, looking close to hyperventilating. Felix stopped, torn between Minho and Jeongin. Seungmin noticed Jeongin as well and rushed to his side, so Felix ran to Minho. </p><p>Hyunjin had an arm around his shoulders, lightly shaking him. “Hyung, wake up!” he repeated a few times.</p><p>After a minute, while Felix tried not to think about how much Minho’s limp body reminded him of finding Chan that morning, Minho’s eyelids fluttered and opened. He glanced around, looking distressed. Felix felt a part of his mind relax. He started to cry, unable to hold back tears of stress and relief. </p><p>“Hyung, can you hear me?” Jisung asked urgently, grasping Minho’s hand. </p><p>“Hyung,” Minho whimpered. </p><p>Felix felt his heart squeeze, and he reached out to wrap his arms around Minho and bury his head in his chest. “He’s not here right now,” he choked. </p><p>Minho took a gasping breath and began to sob. Felix laid his head on his chest and cried, too. Why was this happening to them? Why did it have to hurt so much?</p><p> </p><p>::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin fiercely blinked back his own tears and dropped to his knees beside Jeongin. He reached out a hand and firmly placed it on Jeongin’s shoulder. “Hey, Innie, I’m here. Can you breathe?”</p><p>Jeongin didn’t look like he was spacing out. No, he looked like he was breaking. His eyes were red and squeezed shut and his mouth hung slightly open as he took tiny, shallow breaths rapidly. His fingers were curling and uncurling against the floor. </p><p>He didn’t answer Seungmin for several long seconds, but Seungmin didn’t want to stress him by repeating himself. </p><p>Finally, Jeongin gave a tiny shake of his head. Seungmin simultaneously felt relieved—because Jeongin was responsive—and terrified, because what was he supposed to do? </p><p>“Jeongin, can you look at me? Can you open your eyes and look?”</p><p>Jeongin shook his head again, a tiny movement.</p><p>“Please,” Seungmin added, moving directly in front of Jeongin and reaching out a trembling hand to gently touch his cheek. </p><p>Jeongin’s eyes screwed tighter shut, then he opened them, gaze fixing on Seungmin’s face. </p><p>“Hyung…” His voice was almost inaudible. </p><p>“Good job,” Seungmin breathed. “Look at me. Can you take a deeper breath? Please?”</p><p>Jeongin stared at him for a few seconds, brow furrowing slightly. He took a deep, shuddery breath, and a tear slid down his cheek and to Seungmin’s palm. Seungmin wiped it gently away. </p><p>“You’re doing so great, Innie,” he said, feeling the urge to sob. “Keep going. It will feel easier, and easier, and then you can rest, okay?”</p><p>Jeongin kept looking at him, and gave a small nod. His breathing gradually evened out, while Seungmin softly encouraged him and wiped each tear that tumbled down his cheeks. He was only vaguely aware of Minho waking up and the others moving him from the floor to the couch. </p><p>Jeongin started to cry normally, reaching his arms out for Seungmin, who quickly embraced him, pulling the maknae into his lap right there on the floor and rubbing his back. </p><p>“You better now?” he asked quietly. </p><p>Jeongin nodded into his shoulder. “Chan-hyung was…” </p><p>Seungmin stiffened slightly. Chan. Had Chan really been here? Seungmin had seen him only for a few moments, but everyone had reacted the same, so it couldn’t be imagination. This didn’t feel like a dream, either. </p><p>So what did it mean? </p><p>“Shhh, we’ll talk about it when we’ve all calmed down more,” Seungmin decided. </p><p>Maybe when they were in their right minds again—as much as they could be these days—they could talk about everything and figure out what was going on. Chan wasn’t alive. Seungmin hadn’t personally seen him dead that day, the way Felix, Changbin, and Minho had, but he’d gone to his funeral. He’d talked to the police officers and doctors. He’d cried with Chan’s family. He knew Chan was dead. </p><p>So why had they all seen him?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>T.T</p><p>Don't cry to hard, kids. I swear it'll be okay.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Psych! Double update</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Changbin sat numbly on the couch. Felix was curled against Minho on the other one, with Minho’s head in Hyunjin’s lap and Jisung sitting at the other end. Jeongin was sitting in Seungmin’s lap on the other side of the room, crying quietly. </p><p>Changbin felt a few tears fall from his own eyes, but was too shocked to even wipe them away. </p><p>Chan had been right here. He’d seen him. He’d seen that the others could see him. Chan, their beloved oldest brother, had been right there after months of being buried beneath a tree near the coast. </p><p>He wasn’t sure if he’d finally reached his breaking point. Maybe this was all his imagination. Maybe he’d gone crazy. Or maybe he would wake up in a few minutes. </p><p>But he somehow knew that none of those were true. He really had seen Chan, breathing, living, in their dorm room. </p><p>What did that mean? </p><p>He had no doubt that Chan had died. None whatsoever. He shuddered as the memory of that morning nearly swamped him.</p><p>He’d been sleeping, when he’d suddenly jolted awake with a terrible feeling. He thought he’d had a nightmare and forgotten it. The sensation lingered, making it difficult to go back to sleep. A slight sound disturbed him, suddenly, and he decided to get out of bed. Once he was in the hall, he distinctly heard crying.</p><p>He rushed towards the living room and found it empty, then tried the bathroom, flinging open the door. </p><p>Felix was sobbing on the bathroom floor, and Chan lay limp across his lap. </p><p>Changbin was frozen. Had they fought? Was Chan sick? Had he fainted? Did somebody sleepwalk? A million scenarios flashed through his brain, but none seemed to stick because something about Chan filled him with dread.</p><p>He looked off. He looked wrong. He almost didn’t look like Chan. </p><p>“F-Felix,” he stammered. </p><p>The other boy began to wail. Changbin dropped to his knees and tentatively reached for Chan’s arm. It was cold. </p><p>He flinched away, unable to breathe. </p><p>“Binnie, Binnie, he’s gone,” Felix choked out. </p><p>Changbin wanted to question, to clarify, but instead what came out was, “No.”</p><p>Felix nodded several times, eyes looking hazy. “He’s gone. He’s not Chan anymore.” </p><p>“No,” Changbin repeated, a little louder. He grabbed Chan’s cold hand and focused on his face. “Hyung? Wake up!” </p><p>No response, no movement. Nothing. His stomach churned. </p><p>“I’m calling 119,” he mumbled, stumbling to his feet, dropping Chan’s hand, which fell limply against the floor. </p><p>Felix kept rocking back and forth, sobbing. </p><p>Changbin ran to Minho, woke him up. “Call 119, Chan’s—Chan’s—” </p><p>Minho was groggy, but he got up, went for his phone right away, dialing emergency services while following Changbin to the bathroom. </p><p>Minho dropped the phone the instant he saw Felix holding Chan’s lifeless body. </p><p>“He’s dead, hyung,” Felix said, eyes filled with tears. </p><p>Minho covered his mouth with one hand and had to lean against the counter for support. He slowly sank to his knees next to Felix, and it was that very moment that Changbin allowed himself to realize that Chan really was gone. </p><p>He felt numb, mostly. He watched two of his best friends in the world trembling and crying over the body of another of his best friends, and he couldn’t move. </p><p>Changbin suddenly heard rustling, and realized the commotion had woken the others. Felix was still crying loudly. He froze as Seungmin, Hyunjin, Jeongin, and Jisung all stumbled into the hall. </p><p>Protect them.</p><p>Changbin turned and whipped the bathroom door closed, standing in front of it and bracing against the door frame. They couldn’t go in there. They couldn’t see that. </p><p>“What’s going on?” Seungmin asked groggily. </p><p>“Yeah, what’s happening?” Hyunjin echoed. </p><p>“Go back to bed,” Changbin said hoarsely.</p><p>“Is everyone okay?” Jeongin asked, rubbing his eyes.</p><p>Changbin felt his throat constrict at that. He couldn’t lie. He absolutely couldn’t. “No…”</p><p>Jisung frowned. “Is someone sick?” He started to reach for the door handle. </p><p>Changbin blocked the handle with his body. “Don’t go in.” </p><p>Everyone stared at him. </p><p>Changbin clenched his jaw. “Go back to bed.”</p><p>“We can’t go back like this,” Hyunjin objected. </p><p>“Why are you being so secretive?” Seungmin demanded. </p><p>Jeongin darted forward to push Changbin aside and try to force the door open. Changbin’s eyes widened.</p><p>Jeongin didn’t know that beyond the door was a nightmare. He didn’t know that beyond the door, everything would change forever. He didn’t know that beyond the door, Chan was dead. He couldn’t see.</p><p>Changbin punched him, hard, right in the jaw. “Don’t go in!” he screamed, as Jeongin stumbled and fell onto the ground.</p><p>Everyone stared, and Seungmin stooped to help Jeongin up. They exchanged concerned and angry looks. Jeongin had tears in his eyes as he rubbed his cheek.</p><p>“Changbin, what’s going on?” Jisung asked insistently. “You just punched Jeongin!” </p><p>Changbin felt tears slip from his eyes as he glared at them. “You can’t go in,” he said, as firmly as he could. His body was trembling. </p><p>No matter what, they couldn’t go in.</p><p> </p><p>:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p>Chan found himself running to the bathroom. Felix intercepted him.</p><p>“Hyung, what’s wrong?”</p><p>Chan looked at him wildly. “I…where am I?”</p><p>Felix’s eyes went wide. </p><p>“I mean, you don’t think I’m dead, right?” Chan asked desperately. </p><p>Felix shook his head. “No. No, you’re alive and have every reason to be.” He grasped Chan’s shoulders. </p><p>Chan gradually relaxed. “Right. Right, of course.”</p><p>“Did something happen?” Felix asked carefully. </p><p>“I just… I had another one of those…episodes. It was you and Jeongin, and then Jisung came in, and they called everyone else and when Minho saw me, he passed out. It was so…” </p><p>Felix stepped closer and hugged him. Chan relaxed against him. This was reality, of course. He wasn’t sure why he was hallucinating such horrible things, but he just wanted it to stop. He hugged Felix back. </p><p>“I don’t want to go there again,” he whispered. </p><p>Felix’s arms tightened. “Then stay with us.”</p><p> </p><p>:::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Minho felt odd. He’d seen the impossible, and in that moment, he’d allowed his suffering to catch up with him. He remembered everything going black, and next thing he knew he was on the ground with the members hovering over him, concerned, and a warm weight on his chest that turned out to be Felix. </p><p>Now he was lying on the couch, his head in Hyunjin’s lap, Felix snuggled against him. His head was spinning and his ears were ringing. </p><p>Chan had been here. </p><p>His mind was racing in circles. Chan was here, but he was dead. Was he back somehow? He was dead. But then how had he been here? On and on and on. His head was starting to hurt. </p><p>Hyunjin stroked his hair off his forehead. “Hyung, how are you feeling?” he asked quietly.</p><p>Minho blinked. “My head hurts. I…”</p><p>Hyunjin nodded. </p><p>“It doesn’t make sense,” Minho said, swallowing. </p><p>Felix sat up slightly. “I know it seems impossible, but I’ve seen him X times now. I really think he was here. From another world, or the past, or something, I’m not sure, but he was real.” </p><p>The others started to gather around, Seungmin and Jeongin coming in and sitting in an armchair together, Jeongin leaning against Seungmin defensively. </p><p>“He was real,” Felix repeated. “And I gave him a note. Next time he comes, he should realize that he’s not going crazy, and then maybe we can figure out what’s going on.” </p><p> </p><p>::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Felix finally stepped back from hugging Chan, tugging him towards his bedroom. “Get some rest. I’ll stay with you, okay?” he offered.</p><p>He didn’t want to leave Chan alone. Never.</p><p>His dreams…his dreams were terrifying. A world without Chan, the members broken and hurt, a future that was uncertain and bleak… he would do anything to keep that from happening. </p><p>Chan just nodded wordlessly, and they changed into their pajamas and climbed into Chan’s bed together. </p><p>Chan was asleep almost immediately, but sleep wouldn’t come easily to Felix. He shifted around, and paused. He reached under himself and found a piece of paper. He squinted at it in the dim light. </p><p>That looked like his handwriting.</p><p> </p><p>Chan, <br/>It’s me, Felix. I promise you’re not crazy. In my world or my time, you died three months ago from an overdose in the night. You keep appearing and disappearing suddenly, not knowing about your own death. <br/>I don’t know what’s going on, but if you can realize this is really happening, we might be able to figure things out! I love you and miss you. We all do.</p><p> </p><p>The note was dated four months in the future.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'M SORRY</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for the long wait!</p><p>Buckle up friends</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Felix didn’t get any sleep that night. He could swear the note was in his handwriting, but Chan could imitate it fairly well. It did look a little off and sloppy, so he couldn’t be sure it was his own handwriting. Chan could have written it. </p><p>But why?</p><p>He felt deeply unsettled, because the contents of the note precisely reflected his nightmares. Chan had been saying that all along—Felix, insisting that he was dead. He never had, though. He never would!</p><p>Felix decided to keep the note hidden. He had a suspicion that Chan had written it during one of his hallucinatory episodes, and finding it would only confuse him further. </p><p>Should he tell someone? Felix was torn between protecting Chan—after all, how bad could things really be?—and being terrified that not mentioning something like this could lead… somewhere bad. </p><p>He curled the note into his fist, closing his eyes. </p><p>He couldn’t think about this any more. </p><p> </p><p>::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin could see Changbin breaking down, though his face stayed stony. He sat beside Changbin, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. </p><p>“Are you okay?”</p><p>Changbin briefly shook his head, which was good and bad. Bad because he wasn’t okay, but good because he’d admitted as much. </p><p>Hyunjin laid his head against Changbin’s shoulder, a silent comfort.</p><p>When the members finished talking, throwing out all sorts of impossible theories, Hyunjin followed Changbin to his bed, determined to watch over him. Thankfully, it didn’t take long before Changbin was peacefully asleep, and with a relieved breath, Hyunjin soon followed.</p><p>They woke suddenly to urgent voices. Hyunjin tensed, reminded of the worst day of his life. He wrapped his arms tighter around Changbin, sure it was worse for him. Hyunjin’s dreams had been odd, but the voices put it out of his mind.</p><p>“We should go check,” Changbin said dully, shrugging Hyunjin away. </p><p>He got out of bed and went into the hall, and Hyunjin followed. </p><p>“We can’t find Jeongin,” Seungmin said urgently as soon as they appeared. </p><p>Hyunjin’s eyes widened. “Who was with him last?”</p><p>“I was,” Seungmin said. “We slept together last night. He must have left while I was asleep. His phone is still here.” </p><p>Hyunjin felt his heart stop. “But there isn’t—” He couldn’t even finish the sentence. </p><p>Felix appeared by his side. “There’s no note or anything,” he said softly. “We think he must have gone out for some air and forgotten.” </p><p>Hyunjin felt his chest freeze over. Seungmin’s eyes were brimming with tears and Minho looked pale and almost breakable. </p><p>Everybody was thinking the same thing, in spite of Felix’s words. </p><p>Jeongin was the most emotionally fragile of all of them. His tendency to space out had deeply worried them for months, and he had barely been improving. He’d already hurt himself by accident. He’d almost gotten seriously hurt, too. </p><p>That one time on the street—Hyunjin didn’t even want to remember.</p><p>Jeongin, poor, sweet Jeongin, was in the most danger of all of them. Him suddenly disappearing was a terrible, terrible sign. Hyunjin didn’t want to consider what might have happened. He didn’t want to feel any unnecessary pain. </p><p>So he just nodded along. </p><p>“We already know he’s not with his parents, and they’re looking for him from their end. We should start with the company building, probably,” Jisung was saying. “Then the PC Bang and convenience store.” </p><p>Hyunjin stopped, looking up. “Could he—”</p><p>Everyone looked at him. He swallowed.</p><p>“I think I might know where he went,” Hyunjin said, eyes wide.</p><p> </p><p>:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Jeongin’s head was spinning. He could feel himself slipping in and out of reality, with his anchors uprooted by the appearance of Chan, twice now, and all the others talking about it like it was real.</p><p>So was Chan alive or not? Was Jeongin even still conscious? Or had he fully lost it, inventing an entire new world to lessen the pain?</p><p>Jeongin couldn’t sleep that night. He stared upwards sightlessly, thoughts a mess, and then he thought of something.</p><p>He could go to Chan’s grave. </p><p>If the grave was there, this was reality. If he could get there, he would know for sure. </p><p>Jeongin stumbled out of bed, snatching his wallet, pulling on shoes and a hoodie, and leaving the dorm. </p><p>He followed the route automatically, taking a bus to a train and then getting on another bus, transferring, and stopping in a small town. He had to hike from here. The sky was growing light, just barely graying with the distant dawn, as he made his way through shadowy trees, leaves in shades of orange and brown. </p><p>His feet carried him directly to the spot, and he closed his eyes for a few moments, trying to catch his breath.</p><p>Jeongin opened his eyes and read the name.</p><p>Bang Chan. The birth date and death date were correct, and the members’ tiny inscriptions on the trunk were there. Jeongin dropped to his knees, tracing over the carvings. Various short messages from his family were inscribed, as well as a few close friends, and of course, the members.</p><p>From Jisung: I miss you forever.</p><p>From Hyunjin: I love you. I didn’t say it enough.</p><p>From Minho: I’ll do my best for you. I love you.</p><p>From Seungmin: You were always an angel. Rest well. </p><p>From Changbin: Thank you for everything. </p><p>Jeongin’s own message: I hope you’re smiling where you are. </p><p>From Felix, in English: I’ll always find you. </p><p>That one broke Jeongin’s heart. He took a shuddering breath and let it out as a sob. His forehead dropped against the trunk of the tree. </p><p>“Hyung,” he whimpered. “I miss you.” </p><p>He kept talking, telling Chan everything about what had been going on. He updated him about how the others were doing, told him about how Stays had been sending so many letters and flowers, and most of all told him that he loved him. </p><p> </p><p>::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Jeongin rolled over in bed and opened his eyes. He stared at the wall, trying to calm his breathing and convince himself that Chan wasn’t dead. He’d just gone to the hospital; he was home now and would be fine. </p><p>But his dream felt so vivid. The hollow feeling of loss and grief lingered, making it difficult to breathe. In his dream, he and the others were gathered in the living room, brokenly talking about how there might be a way Chan could be alive. </p><p>In his dream, he remembered visiting Chan’s grave. It was by the coast, in a shady and pretty grove within sight of the sea. Chan would probably like that. </p><p>The tree hadn’t been too big, and the plaque with Chan’s name had seemed fairly new. Jeongin vaguely remembered that in his dream, he’d curled up by the roots and fallen asleep. </p><p>“Are you okay?” It was Hyunjin, his voice quiet. </p><p>Jeongin blinked at him. “Yeah, I guess so. I had a bad dream.”</p><p>Hyunjin sat on the bed, waiting.</p><p>“I went to Chan’s grave. It was a tree, you know the one. It looked new, and pretty, and we’d all written things there for him. I’m scared, Hyunjin-hyung. Why do I keep feeling like…?”</p><p>“Like he’s going to die?” Hyunjin finished, voice a little hoarse. </p><p>Jeongin flinched slightly, but nodded. </p><p>Hyunjin sighed, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his palms. “I don’t know. It’s weird that all of us are feeling like that. But Chan is going through something tough, that we don’t really understand, so it makes sense to be worried. Anyway, being worried means we can be careful. We can protect him, you know?”</p><p>That made Jeongin feel a little better. He nodded. “We will.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Okay, okay, I'm sorry! The plot has to thicken, though.</p><p>And... dreamsharing begins to be extremely important!</p><p>I think it might be a good time to clear up some confusion and explain that Chan's first visit to the future (where he'd been dead for a few months) created an alternate timeline. Chan time-traveling creates a different path than what initially led to his death. Or maybe the new timeline isn't that different after all. *evil laugh*</p><p>Thanks for reading and commenting :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Woot woot fairly early update!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Felix’s expression as he held Changbin back from going out the door with a frantic Minho and the others was serious. “Changbin and I will check around the dorms and company building,” he volunteered.</p><p>So Changbin nodded along, and rounded on Felix as soon as the others were out the door. “What’s going on?”</p><p>Felix swallowed. “He might not be there. We should…we should check.”</p><p>“I guess so. Do you think Hyunjin is wrong, then?” Changbin asked, sitting down beside Felix to put his shoes on.</p><p>Felix didn’t answer.</p><p>Changbin’s eyes narrowed. “Felix…”</p><p>“I want him to be right,” Felix muttered, lacing his shoes. His hands were clenched a bit too tightly.</p><p>“But you think he’s wrong,” Changbin said, heart dropping. Felix had been one of those closest to Jeongin the past few months. If he thought Hyunjin was wrong…</p><p>“Yeah,” Felix admitted. “At least enough to check.”</p><p>Changbin’s heart sank even further. “Check for what?”</p><p>Felix was silent, standing up to head out the door. Changbin followed him.</p><p>“Felix, check for what?” he asked urgently, grabbing Felix’s shoulder.</p><p>“Well, something might have happened!” Felix burst out, whirling around. </p><p>Changbin paled, and Felix froze.</p><p>“Felix, you don’t think…”</p><p>Felix’s eyes suddenly filled with tears. “I… I don’t know. I would have said it was impossible, but Jeongin saw Chan too. And he disappeared again, twice. It was this hard on me. How much worse would he take it? If I started to think I was going crazy, maybe he did too, and…”</p><p>Changbin let his arms drop limply to his sides as he realized Felix suspected that Jeongin may have hurt himself. He’d been in denial all morning, ever since he’d heard the youngest had gone missing, but Felix, who had been assuring them that Jeongin had probably wandered off somewhere, was suggesting…that maybe he wouldn’t be okay. </p><p>Changbin almost stumbled, putting a hand against the wall to support himself. </p><p>Felix wiped his tears away roughly. “I just thought… I was the first one last time. And you were there. It wouldn’t be… wouldn’t be fair to put the others through something like that. If something happened, we should check first. Right?”</p><p>Changbin stared at Felix for a few moments. Despite his pale face and almost trembling frame, Felix’s expression was a stalwart mask cracking through with fear, grief, pain, and exhaustion. He’d always tried to smile, the last few months. He’d always tried to be strong, to act like he was dealing with it better than he truly was. </p><p>Changbin took a step forward and hugged him, hard, burying his face in Felix’s shoulder and squeezing him tight. </p><p>In his heart, he knew that both he and Felix thought Jeongin was fine, surely. He must be. He had to be. But a few months ago, he would have thought the same thing about Chan. A shock like that destabilized the world. Jeongin had taken it the worst, but all of them had felt to some extent that they could no longer trust reality, trust what they’d always taken for granted. </p><p>Felix was right. If something had happened to Jeongin, the two of them should find out first. It would be better that way. That way, less people would be scarred. </p><p>Changbin wasn’t sure the two of them could take another experience like the morning they’d found Chan. But… but they had to check. They had to know.</p><p> </p><p>:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Minho was the first one out the door. </p><p>He needed to find Jeongin. Now. Now wouldn’t even be soon enough, but he was forced to wait through a bus ride. He ran through the forest, the only thought on his mind that Jeongin had to be here.</p><p>He wasn’t even sure why he believed Hyunjin when the wide-eyed boy said, “I think he went to visit Chan.” But he did. It made sense, more sense than Jeongin being in a practice room or out on the street. Or on a rooftop or bridge somewhere…</p><p>Minho’s mind went blank, blocking out those thoughts almost as soon as they began. </p><p>He stopped short when he saw a bundle of clothing at the foot of Chan’s tree. That was Jeongin’s hoodie. Chan’s, actually, but Jeongin had worn it regularly ever since…</p><p>Minho’s heart dropped, but he made himself go closer. Jeongin’s eyes were closed. Panic rose in Minho’s throat and he dropped to his knees, shaking Jeongin’s shoulder, unable to help himself from scanning the younger boy for any sign of injury.</p><p>“Jeongin, Innie baby, wake up.”</p><p>He looked fine. And…his eyes fluttered open. Minho gasped in a breath, nearly collapsing as he hugged Jeongin to his chest. He wanted to scold him, wanted to ask him questions, but in the end he choked out,</p><p>“Thank you for being all right.”</p><p>The youngest let Minho hold his head against his chest, hands tentatively curling into the front of Minho’s shirt. He hadn’t even put on a jacket, he’d been so frantic. </p><p>The other members gathered around, patting Jeongin’s shoulder or petting his hair, clearly relieved. Hyunjin was there, along with Jisung and Seungmin. Felix and Changbin had stayed behind to look in other locations, just in case Jeongin wasn’t where Hyunjin suspected.</p><p>But he was here. He was here, and he was okay.</p><p>Minho held Jeongin tightly and just breathed in the way he hadn’t been able to since discovering him missing in the early morning.</p><p> </p><p>::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p>Felix and Changbin had first searched any places they thought would be most dangerous to Jeongin. Each time they didn’t find him, they felt just a bit better. Not here, not yet, Felix thought. He could still be okay. </p><p>They waited until later before they searched all of Jeongin’s haunts, around the neighborhood and at the company. If he was holed up in a practice room or internet café, he would be fine for a couple of hours while they checked the highest-risk locations. </p><p>And yet, they still didn’t find him. </p><p>Felix started to get scared. What if they’d missed somewhere? What if Jeongin needed them, and they’d been too stupid to look?</p><p>Changbin took his hand and squeezed it, and Felix squeezed back. </p><p>Finally, Felix’s phone rang. It was Minho. Right around now, the others should have arrived at Chan’s tree. </p><p>His heart dropped. What if Minho said Jeongin wasn’t there?</p><p>Changbin took the phone from him and answered, putting the call on speakerphone so they could both listen.</p><p>“—hyungs, I…”</p><p>Innie’s voice.</p><p>Felix covered his mouth with both hands, tears welling up as he knew for sure that Jeongin was safe.</p><p>“Jeongin?” Changbin said.</p><p>“I’m sorry for leaving without telling anyone… I was all confused…”</p><p>Felix’s shoulders shook, but he tried to cry quietly enough that Jeongin couldn’t hear him.</p><p>“Where’s Lixie-hyung?” Jeongin asked, and Felix took a shuddery breath.</p><p>“Here, baby. I was so worried. You… You’re safe?”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m fine. But Minho won’t let go of me.” A note of petulance entered Jeongin’s voice.</p><p>Felix laughed through his tears. “I don’t blame him.”</p><p>Minho’s voice broke in. “We’re coming home now. And I will hold onto you the entire way, Innie.”</p><p>The youngest started complaining, and Felix closed his eyes, just listening to his voice. The strength left his legs and he dropped to a crouch, hugging his knees, head bowed, right there on the street.</p><p>Changbin crouched beside him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and letting him listen to the others through the phone. </p><p>“I thought…” Felix choked.</p><p>Changbin muted their end of the call.</p><p>“I thought he might have really been gone,” Felix admitted, feeling guilty for some reason, throat and eyes burning. </p><p>“He’s not, though. He’s safe,” Changbin reminded him, eyes sympathetic.</p><p>“But he might not have been,” Felix said, closing his eyes against the scenarios he’d unwillingly imagined during their search. “He really might have.”</p><p>“He’s getting better.”</p><p>Felix shook his head. “No, he’s not. Chan—Chan keeps appearing, and Jeongin’s seem him. It’s destroying him! He thinks he’s going crazy. He can’t take it; he doesn’t want to keep losing Chan again!”</p><p>Changbin was silent for several moments. “Lixie, aren’t you talking about yourself?”</p><p>Felix lifted his head. “What?”</p><p>“This can’t have been easy for you,” Changbin said quietly. “I think…your worries for Jeongin also apply to you, right? The reason you thought the worst, is because you’ve thought it yourself, isn’t it?” His voice cracked. </p><p>Felix’s eyes welled up again. He hadn’t…he hadn’t let himself dwell on thoughts like that. He didn’t want to die, he just… That’s where Chan was.</p><p>“Changbin, I didn’t mean it…”</p><p>The other boy hugged him, both still crouched down on the street, clinging tightly to him.</p><p>“You don’t need to feel guilty,” Changbin said fiercely. “We’re only human. We’ve gone through so much. We can’t handle all of it. But we can never—never!—give up, you hear? We absolutely can’t.”</p><p>Felix clung to Changbin, nodding against his shoulder, still hearing the sound of the others’ conversation faintly through the phone. </p><p>They could never give up.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ahhhhh the pain</p><p>But on the bright side, Jeongin is a cutie. </p><p>Anyway, take care of yourselves, everyone. There's always something to be happy about, if only something in the future. I personally have never had to deal with these dark mindsets, but if any of you do, please, take extra care and look forward to the future!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Awww you guys are all so sweet. I appreciate your comments, theories, compliments, etc.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chan woke up in Felix’s bed, but the other boy still seemed to be asleep, if only a fitful one. He reached out and smoothed the hair back from Felix’s forehead. He had no doubt that Felix was worried, stressed, because of him.</p><p>“Hey, I’m here,” he murmured, and Felix’s eyes opened. </p><p>“Hyung…” He yawned. “You’re awake.”</p><p>“So are you,” Chan pointed out. </p><p>Felix blinked. “Did you just make a joke?” </p><p>Chan smiled. This felt normal again. The kind of normal he fervently hoped to stay firmly anchored in from now on. “Yep.”</p><p>Felix searched his face, then grinned tentatively. “You’re…you’re feeling better?”</p><p>Chan nodded. </p><p>Felix’s smile relaxed slightly, and he leaned forward to press his head against Chan’s chest, hugging him tightly. “I’m so glad,” he breathed.</p><p>“Don’t worry too much, okay?” Chan asked, ruffling Felix’s hair. “I’ll figure this out and we can go back to normal.”</p><p>“No,” Felix said, muffled.</p><p>“What?” Chan blinked.</p><p>Felix raised his head. “You won’t figure it out. We will. Together.”</p><p>Chan huffed out a laugh, covering up the surge of fond and grateful emotion that rose at Felix’s words and earnest expression. </p><p>“Fine. We’ll figure it out,” he agreed.</p><p> </p><p>:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>There was no way Felix was going to bring up the note, not when Chan seemed to be doing better. Who knew, if Felix showed it to him or asked him about it, it could trigger another…episode. </p><p>And since Chan seemed to be feeling better, Felix felt justified in keeping it to himself for now, too. One of the others might let it slip by accident if he told them. So it would be his secret. In order to keep Chan safe.</p><p> </p><p>:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Jisung wasn’t even sure what he was feeling after the roller coaster ride of recent events. He was mostly very, very worried about Chan. Almost unreasonably so, he thought in some moments. </p><p>It wasn’t like Chan was going to die. So why did Jisung keep feeling that he was in danger of doing exactly that?</p><p>Nonsensical or not, Jisung resolved to keep a close eye on Chan. Just in case. The others seemed to be in agreement, all particularly attentive to Chan over the last few days. There was constantly someone by his side, and nobody dared to tease him or complain, instead hugging him often and complimenting and encouraging him. </p><p>And yet, Jisung still had to swallow dread when he saw Chan’s pill bottles lined up in the medicine cabinet. </p><p>He took to keeping his toothbrush elsewhere so he never had to open it. He couldn’t stand to look at them. It didn’t make sense. But they just felt wrong.</p><p>Chan was up for breakfast today, and Seungmin was cooking egg rolls. Everyone was gathered around, so it almost felt just like normal. None of them mentioned that their schedule had been cleared for a couple weeks while Chan adjusted to his new meds and the doctors tried to figure out what was going on.</p><p>Jeongin and Hyunjin were both playing a mobile game, a lighthearted one because recently none of them could stand anything related to death. Not that they talked about it. Jisung had to wonder if everyone was really feeling the same way he did, or if he was the only one feeling it to this extent. </p><p>“Breakfast is ready!” Seungmin called, bringing plates of egg rolls to the table, setting them down among the bowls of rice and side dishes. The centerpiece was a warm, filling soup, leftover from last night but revamped with more vegetables and fresh meat. </p><p>They all grabbed for chairs, Felix and Jeongin snagging the chairs on either side of Chan. Jisung was content with an end chair, giving up the spot across from Chan to Minho. </p><p>After thanking Seungmin for the meal, they all dug in. Chan didn’t quite finish as much food as he used to, but he was eating well, which was a good sign because it meant he was settling into his meds. </p><p>Finally, Chan stood up from his chair. “I’m going to the bathroom,” he excused himself, and they all just nodded and kept eating.</p><p>Chan was, in reality, going to take his meds, but they had an unspoken agreement not to make a big deal of it. </p><p>Felix’s eyes followed Chan all the way down the hall, while Jisung’s grip tightened on his spoon. He hated this moment, every time. He hated the idea of Chan taking pills, though he logically knew they were helping.</p><p>He forced himself to keep eating, though he knew none of them were going to relax until Chan returned. </p><p>Except he didn’t. </p><p>Minutes passed, and they started to shift in their chairs and exchange glances. Felix stood abruptly when fifteen minutes passed. </p><p>He didn’t even bother to explain himself as he ran down the hall to the bathroom door. </p><p> </p><p>:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Chan felt dizzy as he leaned against the sink, not quite able to unscrew the cap to the first of his medicine bottles. He shook his head, trying to clear it, and looked up to find the bottles gone.</p><p>His heart stopped. He didn’t even bother to looking for the bottles. There was a quicker way to find out if he was hallucinating. He stumbled out into the hallway, and from there to the main room.</p><p>The kids were not gathered around the table, eating, as he’d left them mere seconds ago. There was Changbin, wearing a hoodie with the hood up, with his laptop on his lap and Felix wrapped in a blanket, leaning against his shoulder, eyes looking red and puffy. </p><p>The room was dark, and not artificially so just because the curtains were closed. It was night time here. </p><p>Chan had to lean against the wall for support, and the sound made the two boys look up. </p><p>“Hyung,” Felix gasped hoarsely. </p><p>“No, no, no,” Chan mumbled, unable to move as Felix jumped up and ran to his side, grasping his arms and searching his face. </p><p>“Felix, where’s Jeongin?” Changbin asked, having set aside the laptop and stepped closer to them.</p><p>“Sleeping,” Felix answered quickly, then froze. “He can’t see Chan.”</p><p>Changbin shook his head. “He only just sorted himself out… This would break him.”</p><p>Felix’s expression tightened, eyes locked with Changbin’s. “But we’ll be fine,” he said quietly, like this was something they’d discussed.</p><p>“We’ll be fine,” Changbin agreed, clenching his hands. He turned to look at Chan. “I believe you’re really here, but I don’t think you can stay. Jeongin can’t handle that. Not that any of us are much better.” He laughed bitterly. </p><p>Chan felt his chest tightening. Of all hallucinations, what was with this situation? Why was he forced to see his beloved friends breaking apart after he supposedly died? Wasn’t that too cruel?</p><p>He felt a soft touch on his cheeks and turned to Felix, who was cupping Chan’s face with his hands. </p><p>“Hyung. It’s okay. If you’re worried about being here, just don’t do anything crazy. Just sit with us. I don’t know how long you’ll be here, but stay for now, okay? Nothing—nothing bad is going to happen.” Felix swallowed.</p><p>Chan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Felix had a point. If he simply sat down, could he really be in that much danger? He followed Felix’s lead to the couch, and sat down.</p><p>Felix squeezed his hand. “I have to ask, hyung, did my note work? Do you believe we’re real, now?”</p><p>Chan looked at him blankly for a second, then shook his head. “I never…saw the note.”</p><p>Felix’s face fell. “Maybe it can’t go with you…”</p><p>“No, no, it’s because you’re not real. I’m… hallucinating. The doctors are looking into it, but I was settling into the new meds just fine, so why—” Chan’s voice broke.</p><p>Felix wrapped his arms around him. “I don’t know why. But you are here,” he whispered. “Is it wrong for me to be glad that you’re here? I worry I’m crazy, I worry this is too much for me to handle, but all the same, seeing you…” He let out a shaky breath instead of finishing the sentence. </p><p>Chan longed to comfort him, smile at him, but he felt like his mind was about to break. Why was he still seeing things? It should be better now, it should be fixed. </p><p>He didn’t want to keep coming back here. </p><p>He felt a pang at the thought, with Felix’s arms clinging to him, remembering the way Minho had fainted, remembering faint hope entering Jeongin’s hollow eyes… If he didn’t come back, they would be alone again.</p><p>No. No, they wouldn’t. They were figments of Chan’s imagination, some sort of psychological projection of his anxieties and fears. </p><p>But Felix didn’t feel like a figment or a projection. Felix seemed as real as the grief in his voice and the warmth of his skin. </p><p>How could Chan want to leave him alone?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I strongly assure you that while I somewhat enjoy torturing you with all this angst and hurt along the way, I hate unhappy endings. Trust me! We're on our way. I have a fairly clear idea of how to get to the ending I'd originally planned, so now I just have to write it! I'm expecting anywhere from four or five to eight or nine more chapters. </p><p>thanks for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you, lovely readers, for your patience with my crazy story!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Felix tried to calm down. Chan had reappeared once again, but this time he wasn’t so sure about calling in the other members to witness it. They’d barely handled it last time. Besides, it would probably stress Chan out even more. </p><p>“Chan-hyung,” Changbin mumbled. “Do you… want to check my lyrics?”</p><p>Felix’s head whipped up from Chan’s shoulder, looking wide-eyed at Changbin. The older boy had his eyes fixed on his laptop. </p><p>Chan hesitated for a few moments. “Sure,” he said finally, leaning in to look at the screen. His lips moved as he read along. </p><p>When he finished, he nodded, and then, just like how they used to, Changbin copied his lyrics into another page and looked expectantly at Chan, who tentatively suggested changes and adjustments. </p><p>Felix felt his eyes well with tears, knowing Changbin was barely holding himself together. Felix could also tell that Changbin suggested this for Chan’s sake as well, hoping to make him feel more comfortable instead of barraging him with questions.</p><p>The adjusted lyrics were saved in a file, the two older members quietly conversing about what sort of track the lyrics would pair well with. Changbin had slowly relaxed, though not all the way, throughout the process. He’d longed for Chan musically as well as as a friend and brother and leader. Felix knew that. He also knew that Changbin would never, ever admit that, because he felt guilty about it, as though he and Chan were only business partners. </p><p>Felix closed his eyes, simply feeling the solid warmth of Chan’s shoulder, and before he knew it, he fell asleep.</p><p>:::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>When Felix woke up, he remembered Chan appearing last night, the way he’d helped Changbin with his lyrics. He felt his chest tighten at the thought of losing Chan again. He’d been braced for it, but opening his eyes would mean facing the reality. </p><p>Felix opened his eyes.</p><p>Changbin’s face was only about a foot away, and they were both leaning on Chan.</p><p>Felix jumped, falling off the couch, as he stared at Chan. Was he really…here? He always disappeared before, though. So why…?</p><p>“Chan?” he breathed.</p><p>Chan’s eyes flickered open, and he yawned. “Felix?”</p><p>“You’re still here?”</p><p>Chan’s eyes widened. “I am?” He stood abruptly, making Changbin fall over and consequently wake up with a small groan.</p><p>“Why am I still here?” Chan asked. “I… I always wake up by this time…”</p><p>Felix got to his feet, grasping Chan’s shoulders. “Calm down. Just because this hasn’t happened before doesn’t mean anything bad is happening.”</p><p>“It’s a bad sign,” Chan countered, eyes flickering all around the room as though he was making sure he was really there.</p><p>“For who?” Felix said quietly, and Chan’s gaze flew to his face, eyes softening.</p><p>“Felix…”</p><p>“Hyung,” Felix interrupted. “You could disappear at any second. Which means any second could be the last time I see you. Can you… It kind of hurts when you think you’re crazy just for seeing us and that you want to get out of here.”</p><p>Chan took a deep breath. “That’s the thing, Felix. I don’t think there is a ‘here’ or there is a ‘you.’ I’m just…imagining things.” But he didn’t quite sound like he believed it.</p><p> </p><p>::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Minho woke up with Jeongin tight in his grasp, and breathed a sigh of relief. He was okay. He stroked Jeongin’s hair off of his forehead, once again wondering if things would have been different if Minho had only been better. The therapists had more or less convinced him that there was nothing he could have done to prevent Chan from dying, but Minho still felt guilty. And he was firmly convinced that if he had been able to handle things better, the members wouldn’t have ended up like this in the aftermath. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” he whispered to the sleeping boy, heart aching at the thought of all his struggles. “I should have been better. Then you wouldn’t be in this much pain…”</p><p>He just…didn’t know what to do. Jeongin stirred, and Minho froze. Had he heard? Minho had tried hard to keep these thoughts to himself, terrified that they would confirm his fears. What if Jeongin told him that if Minho had been there for him, things would never have gotten this bad? </p><p>What if he blamed Minho? </p><p>Jeongin remained asleep, and Minho’s heartrate returned to normal. </p><p>He didn’t truly think that Jeongin would blame him directly, but…what if he said something like, “You don’t need to be sorry. There was nothing you could have done, anyway.” Those words held no comfort for Minho, because the implication was Minho’s incompetence. Minho’s uselessness.</p><p>Nothing Minho could do…meant Minho was just a burden.</p><p>He squeezed his eyes shut and took a few deep breaths. </p><p>“Hyung?” His eyes snapped open at Jeongin’s murmur.</p><p>“Innie?”</p><p>“Are you okay?” the youngest asked in a small voice. He tentatively reached for Minho’s face, and his thumb brushed beneath Minho’s eye, wiping away a tear Minho hadn’t known was there.</p><p>He lurched backwards, hastily wiping his eyes. “I’m fine, Jeongin,” he said, too quickly. </p><p>Jeongin blinked at him, frowning slightly but looking out-of-it enough that Minho didn’t think he was going to argue. </p><p>He was right. Jeongin just sat up and spent a few minutes staring around the room, a habit he’d developed to try to anchor himself in reality. His eyes fixed particularly long on the picture frame on the desk, covered in a translucent black fabric. </p><p>Minho quietly came back to Jeongin’s side. “How are you feeling?” he asked softly.</p><p>Jeongin shook his head. “Chan’s gone,” he said simply. “It’s real.”</p><p>Minho dropped his head onto Jeongin’s shoulder, simply holding him because he didn’t have words to comfort him.</p><p> </p><p>::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin woke up to cook breakfast. He let Hyunjin keep sleeping, but resolved to have a nice meal ready for when the others woke up. For some reason he felt like making egg rolls.</p><p>He hummed on his way to the kitchen, bending down to get out a frying pan before he processed the scene he’d just walked past.</p><p>He nearly dropped the pan to the floor, staring at Felix and Changbin sleeping on Chan.</p><p>Chan. </p><p>He was here again. </p><p>Seungmin was frozen. What was he supposed to do? Was this real? Was he dreaming? What if the others woke up? Last time, Jeongin had had a terrible panic attack and Minho had fainted. What if it happened again? What if it was worse?</p><p>Seungmin put the pan on the counter and ran down the hall to Minho’s room. Sure enough, Jeongin was sleeping soundly in Minho’s arms. </p><p>Seungmin was torn. He wanted to bring Chan to Jeongin, to make everything right again. But what if Chan disappeared again? He buried his hands in his hair. His head hurt, he felt like crying. He wanted to run away. </p><p>He retreated to his own bedroom, slightly calmed by the sight of Hyunjin now awake. Should he tell him?</p><p>“Seungmin, are you okay?” Hyunjin asked. </p><p>Seungmin shook his head wordlessly.</p><p>Hyunjin frowned. “What’s the matter? What can I do?” he asked, because he was the type to try to fix a problem. </p><p>Seungmin just wanted to let Hyunjin handle this. He grasped one of Hyunjin’s hands in both his own, tugging him out of bed without even letting him stop to put a shirt on, despite his questions, and let him look at the living room. </p><p>Hyunjin’s eyes went wide, and when Seungmin allowed himself to look, as well, he realized that all three of the room’s occupants were looking right back at them. </p><p>“Chan-hyung,” Hyunjin said blankly. </p><p>Felix instantly put a finger to his lips, shaking his head.</p><p>“Not…Chan-hyung?” Hyunjin whispered.</p><p>Changbin rolled his eyes. </p><p>Seungmin tugged Hyunjin further into the room, so they could talk quietly. </p><p>“It is Chan, but we don’t want Jeongin to know he’s here,” Felix whispered urgently.</p><p>“We didn’t want anyone to know,” Changbin muttered. “But we fell asleep…”</p><p>“We thought he would be gone again by now,” Felix said, biting his lip. “But…”</p><p>“I’m stuck,” Chan finished, arms crossed protectively across his own chest, shoulders hunched. </p><p>“Stuck?” Seungmin echoed. “For how long?”</p><p>They all exchanged glances.</p><p>“We don’t know,” Felix said. </p><p>They all looked at Chan. He hunched in a little more, looking nervous.</p><p>“This would normally be the timing for you to vanish,” Felix whispered. “I think you really might be stuck here.”</p><p>“But if Chan is here for more than a few more hours, should we keep hiding him from the others?” Hyunjin asked. “And how could we?”</p><p>“I don’t know if Jeongin can handle it,” Felix admitted quietly.</p><p>They were silent for a few moments. </p><p>“Um…” Chan gripped the fabric of his own hoodie. “Did something happen to Jeongin?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And the plot thickens once again</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>YOOOOOO I'm back. Fair warning,  you may cry. Yeet.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chan wasn’t sure what was real at this point. One of the things that had helped convince him that he was hallucinating was how brief most of the incidents were. But now it had been a whole night. He felt the time passing. It didn’t feel like a blur. Could people hallucinate in this much useless detail for eight or nine hours straight?</p><p>And the way the others were acting—surely he couldn’t imagine this? </p><p>He decided to follow his conscience and act as though his actions in this situation had real consequences. So when the discussion turned to protecting Jeongin, he had to know.</p><p>“Did something happen to Jeongin?”</p><p>The others looked at him with an array of expressions, and nobody spoke for a few long moments.</p><p>“Chan,” Felix said at length. “Do you want to sit down?”</p><p>Oh no. His heart sank. That did not sound good.</p><p>Chan found himself on the couch, anxious as he waited for Felix to explain.</p><p>“Ever since you, well, left us… Jeongin had trouble accepting it. He would talk about you and things you two had done together as though they were recent occurrences instead of months or even years old. Some of the things he talked about had never happened.” Felix’s face was lined with pain. “When we tried to correct him, he either seemed to have no idea what we were talking about, or he would look like we’d woken him up and start crying. We didn’t know what to do…” Felix’s voice broke.</p><p>Hyunjin put a hand on his shoulder and continued. “After the first few weeks, after your funeral, Jeongin seemed to accept things, but then we realized he was zoning out. He would lose touch with reality. He wouldn’t hear us, or see us, at times. Like he was stuck in a memory. He would go through his routines as normal, but lose contact with reality and accidentally hurt himself. He cut himself shaving more times than we could count, bumped into things, broke dishes, and so on.” Hyunjin took a deep breath. “A couple of times were worse, though. He was in the shower way too long, once, and I found him collapsed. I had to give him CPR, and he coughed up water. We think he zoned out with his face under the spray and was breathing in water.” Hyunjin shivered.</p><p>Felix nodded, squeezing Hyunjin’s hand. “Another time, he walked straight into the road and almost got hit. I almost got hit trying to get him out of the street. He didn’t even seem to notice what happened. And he didn’t seem to be getting any better, either. After…after he saw you last time, he went missing.” Felix swallowed. “I didn’t think he’d ever hurt himself on purpose, but… I was scared. If Jeongin gets much worse, he might not be able to handle it.”</p><p>“Felix,” Hyunjin said softly. “Why didn’t you say you were worried about that?”</p><p>He shook his head wordlessly, looking like he was about to cry. </p><p>“We just didn’t want to worry you guys,” Changbin said, instead. “Anyway, you found him.”</p><p>Hyunjin nodded. “I had a feeling about where Jeongin had gone. We found him at your grave, Chan,” he said solemnly. “He went there to try to figure out what was real, since you showing up confused him so much, worse than ever.”</p><p>Chan flinched. “My what?”</p><p>They all looked confused for a second, then realization dawned. “Your grave?” Hyunjin repeated.</p><p>“Your tree,” Seungmin said. The others nodded.</p><p>Chan swallowed. “You mean, my…my body is buried here?” He couldn’t wrap his head around it. </p><p>“Your ashes.” Seungmin nodded, and winced when Changbin elbowed him.</p><p>Chan felt sick, with an odd, floaty feeling in his head. Just like there were two Felixes, two Jeongins, there was another him as well. Except the him in this world was a pot of ashes somewhere. He closed his eyes, feeling lightheaded. </p><p>“Chan?” he heard someone say, but their voice felt distant. “Chan? Chan? Chan?”</p><p>The voices echoed, then went silent as Chan blacked out. In his semi-conscious state, Chan felt the edges of the room blur, felt like he was hearing echoes of two different conversations, felt like he was being pulled apart…</p><p> </p><p>::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Felix had half-expected Chan to vanish with a poof the instant he’d passed out, but after about two minutes he woke up again, just as solid as before. He woke up suddenly to everyone hovering over him.</p><p>“You missed another opportunity to disappear,” Felix said as soon as Chan opened his eyes, spinning his fears as a joke. </p><p>Chan’s eyes went wide and he sat up suddenly. “I’m…still here?” He sounded disoriented rather than upset. </p><p>“Yes,” Felix said carefully. </p><p>Chan rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms. Then he looked up with a snap. “Jeongin. He’s okay?”</p><p>Oh, right. That’s what they’d been telling Chan about before distracting him with his grave. </p><p>“I don’t know. He’s alive,” Felix said bluntly. </p><p>Chan scrambled to his feet and made his way down the hall while the four of them watched wide-eyed.</p><p>Then Felix realized what Chan was doing. “Wait, hyung—”</p><p>Chan threw open the door to one of the bedrooms. Seeing it empty, he moved to the next one, and rushed inside, the others hot on his heels. Chan went straight to Jeongin, who was sitting up on Minho’s bed, and wrapped him in a hug, murmuring an apology, a reassurance, that they all heard despite his quiet tone. </p><p>The youngest returned Chan’s hug, burying his face in Chan’s shoulder. </p><p>Minho, eyes blown wide, seemed speechless.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Chan said to Jeongin. “Would you…like to go somewhere with me?”</p><p> </p><p>:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>“Is this really a good idea?” Minho whispered to Felix as they sat in the back of the bus. Jeongin was on Felix’s other side, and Chan was against the window, hood up and mask on. </p><p>Felix shrugged. He wasn’t sure what Chan was doing, but he couldn’t think of a good reason to stop him. </p><p>The bus rumbled on. </p><p>Eventually, their journey was over, and Jeongin and Felix each took one of Chan’s hands as they walked up a hill through a rural neighborhood and out into a grove of trees. Minho was right there with them, holding Jeongin’s other hand. </p><p>Chan looked nervous but determined, while Jeongin was simply holding himself together because Chan was at least there. Felix wasn’t sure how he himself felt either, but Chan’s hand in his own was warm and solid, which comforted him more than it seemed like it should. </p><p>Chan was here for now. For now would once have seemed like an ominous phrase, but now it was a hopeful one. He was here, for now. For the future, perhaps not, but he was here now. His hand was proof. </p><p>Felix was so caught up in his thoughts that he almost didn’t notice when they arrived until Chan stopped short. </p><p>Even from a dozen feet away, the grave marker was legible. His name. They all held their breath, looking at him. </p><p>Chan’s idea had been that if Jeongin saw both him and the grave at the same time, he would know that this wasn’t a hallucination, which would supposedly help him trust reality. “If this even is reality,” Chan had muttered, but only Felix had heard. Felix was fairly sure this was as much to confirm Chan’s thoughts as it was to sort out Jeongin’s. </p><p>Chan let go of their hands and walked forward, feeling the sign hung on a branch, running his hands down the trunk of the tree. His fingers traced over various messages of love, apology, and gratitude from his family and friends. </p><p>Jeongin tucked himself against Chan’s side. Minho hovered with a hand on Chan’s shoulder. Felix joined Chan, reading the messages once again. </p><p>Chan crouched down, fingers tracing Felix’s own words in English. </p><p>I’ll always find you. </p><p>Chan looked at him, crying, tears streaking down his cheeks, and Felix felt himself crying as well, reaching out for Chan’s hand, curling it over his hand and the words carved into the bark. </p><p>“You promised,” Felix whispered.</p><p>Chan’s eyes closed, another tear dropping down.</p><p>:::::::::::::::::::::</p><p>Chan didn’t know if this was reality or not. What the others had told him about Jeongin, remembering things that this Felix had mentioned about the struggles of the others—Hyunjin not eating, Minho not sleeping, everyone in pain—those were terrible. He’d decided to have no regrets, just on the slight chance…</p><p>And so he wanted to help Jeongin. </p><p>But this…This was too much. It was like being confronted with his worst fears, only he’d never thought about this before. With this as context, all Felix’s actions and words didn’t seem concerning and exaggerated, but rather too understated. If this really was reality, and Felix was grieving to this extent…</p><p>Felix’s words carved on the tree, along with messages from the others, his family, and close friends…</p><p>And the reminder unforgettable promise that, in this place, Chan had broken.</p><p>Chan couldn’t take it anymore. He brushed off the others’ hands, walking away into the trees. </p><p>“Chan-hyung, wait—” Jeongin’s voice began, and he stopped to wipe his tears before turning back. </p><p>They were gone.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>In case you never got the chance to watch Stray Kids' survival show or see the clip, Chan's promise to Felix was, "I'm not gonna leave you behind." <br/>*sobs*</p><p>Okay I swear this is actually good progress; it seems like it's getting worse but now things can start to REALLY happen. Trust me, things will get weird in the next few chapters. Okay, thanks for reading!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you once again for reading! I'm bad at replying to comments, but I appreciate every single one!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chan found himself standing in front of an unmarked tree. He whirled around. Jeongin, Minho, and Felix were gone. There were other graves, but his own was blank. His heart sank. He’d hallucinated again, and he’d almost let himself believe it. </p><p>And worse, he had gone out in public while hallucinating. Who knew what he could have done? Or—Chan shivered—who could have seen?</p><p>Chan stumbled away from the tree, running out of the grove and retracing the steps he’d thought he’d made with the others accompanying him. But he must have done it alone. He hid in the back of the bus for hours, flew up the stairs to the dorm once he arrived, threw open the door, and dashed inside.</p><p>“Chan!” Minho, Seungmin, and Jisung all exclaimed at once, rushing over to him.</p><p>“Where were you?” Minho scolded, but he looked pale with relief. </p><p>Chan could only shake his head. </p><p>Minho pulled him into a tight hug, squeezing him. Chan didn’t mind. He felt anchored by his embrace. He wouldn’t be going anywhere.</p><p>He didn’t know how to describe his hallucinations, but besides just what he actually saw and heard, he’d begun to feel like he was living in two different places. There was a gap, a…a space, that existed between reality and illusion, and Chan was being pulled across it, nearly torn apart by the demands of each seeming reality. If he resisted too much, maybe he’d fall… And Chan didn’t know if that space was somewhere one could climb back out of. </p><p> </p><p>:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Felix instinctively wrapped his arms around Jeongin from behind the instant Chan started walking away. Felix’s stomach dropped, because this would be perfect timing for Chan too—</p><p>He vanished. Right before their eyes, like he’d slipped between the pages of reality. There one moment, and gone the next, with scarcely a ripple in the air. </p><p>Jeongin’s body went limp, and Felix barely managed to hold his weight enough to keep him from collapsing. As it was, they both still fell to the ground. </p><p>Minho was staring at the place Chan had disappeared, face pale and hands trembling. </p><p>Jeongin was still limp, head hanging down, and Felix felt panic rising up. He sensed that Jeongin was about to descend into one of his worst episodes. How would they get home if Jeongin wouldn’t walk? </p><p>“Jeongin, listen, hyung is right here,” he said urgently. “I’m right here, and I’m real. Can you focus on my voice? Can you nod if you hear me?”</p><p>Jeongin’s head kept hanging.</p><p>“If you can hear me, just do anything,” Felix begged. “Jeongin, please.”</p><p>He felt the younger boy take a slight breath and nearly cried from relief. “Good, Innie, good job! Can you keep breathing like that if you can hear me?”</p><p>After a few trembling moments, Jeongin sucked in another breath, and a few seconds later, another.</p><p>“Perfect,” Felix breathed. “You’re doing so well, Jeongin. I know it’s hard, but can you try to stay with us? We need to go home.”</p><p>Minho had snapped out of it by this point, crouching down in front of Jeongin while Felix murmured in his ear from behind. </p><p>Minho’s eyes brightened slightly, so Felix guessed Jeongin’s eyes had focused. He let his head fall against the maknae’s shoulder.</p><p>“Can we help you stand up, Jeongin?” Minho asked.</p><p>Jeongin gave a slight not—a miracle in these circumstances, and Minho ducked under his other arm, working with Felix to pull Jeongin to his feet.</p><p>With Jeongin leaning on their shoulders, they stumbled back the way they’d come. Felix took a leaf out of Seungmin’s book and grimly focused on the task at hand, so he wouldn’t have to think about the fact that Chan was gone again.</p><p>Perhaps forever, this time.</p><p> </p><p>::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Chan had been missing overnight. Minho was terrified, chewing on his lip and clenching his hands but trying to keep a straight face in front of the others, assuring them that Chan was definitely fine.</p><p>But everybody knew there was nothing definite about it. </p><p>Minho didn’t know how to explain his thoughts in the past few weeks. His dreams, his anxieties, about Chan, seemed so unnatural. And even stranger, the other members clearly felt the same thing. </p><p>A few weeks ago, it would be an impossible thing to consider that Chan could actually be in danger. But now, Minho had a sick feeling that things could go wrong—very, drastically, and irreversibly wrong—at any moment. </p><p>Trying to not let those feelings show on his face as he hugged a distraught-looking Jeongin was physically exhausting. </p><p>Then, around mid-morning, after they’d informed their managers and been told to stay home, Chan burst through the door, looking wild.</p><p>Everyone quickly gathered at the commotion that followed, but Minho had Chan in his arms, which soothed his anxieties for the first time in a few days.</p><p>Even though he’d felt that worried, that scared, about Chan’s safety, he was here. He was with them again.</p><p>The others clamored around, trying to hug Chan, question him, reassure him, and mainly to reassure themselves that he was fine, but Minho still didn’t let go. </p><p>Only when Chan finally spoke did Minho loosen his grip. “You’re choking me,” he said quietly.</p><p>Minho jumped back. “Sorry. But where were you? You can tell us, right?”</p><p>Chan’s mouth opened and closed wordlessly, and his shoulders slumped in defeat. The look in his eyes was excruciating. </p><p>“I…I guess I was hallucinating again. It’s never been for that long before. It…it always feels so real.” Chan’s eyes flicked around the room, lingering on Felix and Jeongin. </p><p>Everyone exchanged glances. The medicines were supposed to help. Why was this still happening, and worse than before? Minho shivered at the thought of those bottles of pills, but he took Chan’s hand and asked, “have you been taking your meds?”</p><p>Chan nodded, then hesitated. “I—I think so. I guess there’s a possibility that I…” Hallucinated that, he didn’t say. </p><p>“We can check,” Felix said, voice sounding oddly hollow. “If any are gone.”</p><p>“I guess.” Chan looked slightly relieved, but his expression was still troubled. </p><p>Minho squeezed his hand. “Come on, let’s check.”</p><p>He guided Chan down the hall and they sat cross-legged on Minho’s bed and counted the number of pills against the number on the bottle. The correct amounts were missing, which was simultaneously comforting and unsettling.</p><p>“So you took them,” Minho said. “So why…” He trailed off.</p><p>Chan shrugged. “I may have taken them. What if I just threw them in the toilet or the trash can? There’s no way to know.” His shoulders hunched. </p><p>Minho scooted closer to him and put an arm around his shoulders. “I doubt that’s what happened. We haven’t noticed anything like that happening.”</p><p>Chan didn’t reply, but Minho just laid his head against the leader’s shoulder and comforted himself that Chan was safe with them, hallucinations or no hallucinations.</p><p>As long as he was here, nothing bad could happen. </p><p> </p><p>::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p>Chan was practically surrounded for the rest of the day. The other members were constantly at his side, urging him to eat, asking him if he needed anything, or even wanted anything in the slightest. </p><p>It was comforting, Chan told himself. Yet he found it unsettling, because he couldn’t look at their faces without thinking of their hallucinated counterparts. The memory kept him from being able to relax. He kept feeling like they needed his help, and yet they were all babying him right now, worried about him.</p><p>What had happened to the pale, hollow-eyed Jeongin? To the red-rimmed-eyed Felix reminding him of his promise? To the Minho with dark smudges below his eyes, the thinner-than-normal Hyunjin, the too-quiet Changbin? What about the sobbing Seungmin, the stunned Jisung? Had Chan abandoned them? </p><p>Could they really be a figment of his imagination? Or did it mean something? Was it a premonition, a warning, or a punishment?</p><p>Chan’s uncertainty and anxiety grew throughout the day, but his members seemed to chalk it up to his exhaustion. That was fine. Chan wasn’t sure he wanted to explain the extent of his visions, anyway. It would just worry them more.</p><p>Chan finally ended up in bed with Felix late that evening. The younger boy curled up close to him and fell asleep quickly. Chan tried to match his breathing to Felix’s, hoping for a calm and peaceful sleep. But, after half an hour or so, Felix’s breathing changed.</p><p>It became more rapid, less relaxed. Chan stiffened, then turned over. Felix’s face was drawn painfully, though he was clearly still asleep. As Chan watched, he gasped, whimpered, and let out a tiny whisper.</p><p>“Chan-hyung, no…”</p><p>Panic slammed down on Chan; it had been building all day, waiting to pounce, and this concrete parallel between the real Felix and the grief-torn Felix of his hallucinations was too big of a shock. Something was truly wrong.</p><p>Maybe Chan was hallucinating again? Or was this proof that there was truth to those visions? Or was he truly going crazy to even consider the idea?</p><p>Mind spinning, Chan tore off his blanket, nearly falling off the bed. He caught himself and stumbled for the door, running out to the hall. </p><p>He couldn’t take it any longer, the pain and worry he was causing in real life, nor the heart-wrenching, traumatizing scenes of his hallucinations. He just wanted it all to stop.</p><p>Chan found himself looking at his dim reflection in the bathroom mirror, and found that he was crying. It only made him feel more desperate.</p><p>This had to stop. </p><p>Chan closed his eyes, reached out, and opened the mirrored medicine cabinet door.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>....</p><p>Don't come for me. The worse it gets, the more progress the story is making!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Woohooo update time!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chan felt like he was floating, weightless.</p><p>Everything was fuzzy. The edges of the room blurred, everything tilted and twisted.</p><p>Everything hurt, but in waves, threatening to make him pass out. His vision was flickering, but he didn’t know if it was because his eyes were opening and closing or if his brain was just shorting out.</p><p>Chan vaguely registered that he was lying on the cold tile floor, but his brain wouldn’t tell him much beyond that.</p><p>He tried to summon the strength to speak, to move even a little, but he simply had none. He was helpless, awash in a sea of more space than he knew what to do with, utterly silent and swirling. </p><p>I should have known, Chan thought numbly. Felix told me all along, and I didn’t believe him. How could it end up like this, even with the warnings? </p><p>Chan was scared, and in pain, but the numbness, the blurriness, dulled those sensations. </p><p> </p><p>His position felt so precarious. He felt like he was floating, but not in a relaxing way. Floating meant he could fall. Maybe when he fell, everything would be over. Or maybe he would keep falling, into that strange gap between reality and hallucination, that indefinable space, and never stop. </p><p>He hadn’t felt himself fall to the ground, but he knew that any moment, he could fall from consciousness; lose all touch with the world. He wondered if he would be able to tell the difference between passing out and dying. </p><p>How could you? He asked himself internally, mind swirling with the certainty that his beloved friends would suffer so much from his own foolish mistake, his weakness. </p><p>That hollow-eyed Jeongin, grieving Felix, the others all scarred and hurt, would become a reality. He’d seen it coming. He had actually seen it, but he still hadn’t been able to prevent it.</p><p>Chan wondered if he was crying. He felt like crying, but couldn’t feel his body anymore. That must mean…</p><p>Chan tried to struggle once more. Maybe he could call for help, maybe he could…</p><p>Before he could think of a solution, a way to save not only himself but the others too, Chan felt himself fall. </p><p>Everything disappeared.</p><p> </p><p>::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Felix woke up with a start, sitting bolt upright. His heart was pounding, because his dreams had never been more vivid. </p><p>In his dream, he’d seen Chan, lifeless and limp, and had known it was too late. </p><p>Two tears streaked down Felix’s face and he wiped them away, glancing at Chan to check on—</p><p>Chan was gone.</p><p>Felix’s heart stopped. </p><p>He was on his feet before he even had the time to think, racing towards the place he knew, somehow, that he would find Chan.</p><p>He flung open the door and froze, hand clamping over his own mouth. </p><p>Chan lay limply on the tiles, pills scattered around him. His eyes were closed.</p><p>Felix’s legs went weak, and he sank to his knees. “Ch-chan,” he faltered, unable to think. </p><p>Chan didn’t move. </p><p>Felix commanded himself to move, and after a few moments, he managed to crawl forward. He reached out a hand, trembling, and cried tears of relief when he felt Chan’s heart beating faintly. </p><p>“I’m going to save you,” he choked out, making his legs cooperate in order to stand and run for his phone. </p><p>His fingers trembled as he dialed the emergency line, who informed him they were sending an ambulance.</p><p>Next he woke the others, informing them that Chan had passed out and an ambulance was coming. He could see the look in their eyes—they all knew exactly what had happened. Jeongin looked like he was going to faint. Minho looked terrified. </p><p>Felix didn’t stick around, rushing back to the bathroom and crouching by Chan. He checked his heart once again—it was beating, but too slowly. Felix swallowed a lump in his throat and refused to think that Chan not surviving was an option. </p><p>He began CPR, recollecting from a class ages ago and medical dramas. He had no idea if that would work, but as long as Chan’s heart—one of the best hearts Felix knew of—kept beating, Felix could go on breathing. </p><p>Chan had to be okay. </p><p>A pounding on the door barely phased him as he continued to give Chan CPR, begging under his breath, refusing to cry. </p><p>When the medics came for Chan, Felix could barely stand to let him go, and he followed them down the stairs while they carried his best friend, still limp and pale. One of the managers had arrived at Minho’s phone call, and took charge of talking with the medics.</p><p>As he stood on the street, feet bare and in his pajamas, and watched medics load Chan into the back of an ambulance, he told himself the same thing he’d been repeating internally over and over. Chan would be okay. Chan had to be okay. </p><p>The manager climbed into the ambulance and the doors swung closed. He couldn’t see Chan anymore.</p><p>Felix felt himself stumbling after the ambulance as it screamed away, siren blaring and lights flashing. </p><p>Chan couldn’t go anywhere. He had to stay with them. </p><p>He had to. </p><p> </p><p>:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin sat bolt upright in bed, sweating, and registered that Jisung and Seungmin had both woken up simultaneously. They all stared at each other.</p><p>Hyunjin’s heart was racing, and images from his dream flashed through his mind. Chan had overdosed, but this time Felix gave him CPR on the bathroom floor and an ambulance came to take him away while he was still alive, all of them standing in the dim street and watching the flashing lights and sirens retreat. </p><p>Not knowing if Chan would live or not. </p><p>Seungmin walked over to Hyunjin and grasped his hand. </p><p>“Don’t cry,” he said quietly.</p><p>Hyunjin realized upon trying to deny it, that his throat was choked up. He sobbed instead. “Chan-hyung…”</p><p>“We all saw it, right?” Jisung asked, but sounded like he was pretty sure already. </p><p>Seungmin nodded. “I think so.” </p><p>Hyunjin took a shuddery breath and forced his tears under control. “Should we…”</p><p>The door opened and Minho came in, bleary-eyed and urgent. “You’re awake too,” he said, stopping in the doorway. </p><p>“We all dreamed…” Seungmin began. </p><p>Minho nodded. Felix appeared behind him. “Changbin’s with Innie, hyung. They saw it too?” Felix asked, seeing the others sitting up.</p><p>“Yeah,” Jisung answered. “Is Jeongin okay?”</p><p>“He’s…he’s spaced out.” Felix swallowed. “Why do you think… How did we all…?” He closed his eyes, putting a hand on his forehead. </p><p>Minho turned to him in concern, and managed to catch Felix when he collapsed. </p><p>:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p>Felix was haunted. </p><p>There was no way that the shared dream was a coincidence. It surely had something to do with Chan’s visits. </p><p>But if it wasn’t just a dream, it meant there had been a way. There had been a way that Felix could be there in time, that Chan could have been alive when he found him instead of…gone. Felix could have called an ambulance, given Chan CPR, and possibly saved him. </p><p>But he hadn’t. </p><p>Chan was dead. The past had already happened. Felix could never go back. </p><p>It…it was his fault.</p><p>The guilt proved the final straw to his grief, exhaustion, and confusion, and Felix felt himself falling. </p><p>Everything went hazy, but he felt Minho catch him and lower him to the floor. Then he closed his eyes and let himself pass out.</p><p>:::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p>Chan felt like he was being pulled apart cell by cell, agony tearing through him overwhelmingly. He thought he must have been screaming, but he couldn’t hear anything. All he could see was bright, bright light, and with an even more blinding flash, suddenly he fell, jolting like one does after almost falling asleep and feeling like they’d fallen onto their own bed. </p><p>He winced and sat up, and found that he was in a room. Not a room, but a…space. It reminded him of a room, but something about the walls seemed different, and the dimensions of the space were hard to pin down. It felt unstable, changeable. </p><p>He got to his feet, hesitantly. Was this a hallucination? </p><p>The space started to morph, still seeming flexible and undefinable, until Chan found himself staring at two identical spaces that looked like a hospital. He wasn’t in either one, but he could see both.</p><p>Why a hospital? What about home? Where was that?</p><p>Chan’s brain throbbed, his stomach turned, and everything morphed into two identical versions of the dorms. Well, nearly identical. </p><p>The longer Chan looked, the more he noticed. He wasn’t sure how he knew, but he just knew he was looking at two versions of the same thing. Like two sides of a coin, these two spaces were connected. By this space. </p><p>As though coming through water rather than air, he heard voices. </p><p>“Felix, Felix, Felix—” echoed from the copy on the right. </p><p>Chan turned to observe the members gathered around Felix, who was on the floor in Minho’s arms. </p><p>“What about Chan? Will he be--?” echoed from the left hand copy, and Chan whirled around to see the members in the living room, most of them crying and clutching each other, Felix staring fixedly at his phone. </p><p>Two conversations drilled into his brain, and Chan clutched his head in an effort to make the pain stop. The space seemed to be contracting, pushing closer to him, crushing him. The edges that weren’t edges pressed in closer and closer until Chan cried out.</p><p>Everything was black, and he was weightless once again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I told you we'd get to the weird sci-fi stuff!</p><p>It's about time, Chan. (pun kind of intended. Because, you know, time travel and all that jazz)</p><p>Okay anyway thanks for reading!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry it took so long for me to update especially with how intense this story has been getting.</p><p>Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It took Minho several seconds to pick up the call from their manager nearly an hour after Chan had been whisked away from them in an ambulance. The others sat around, staring at the glowing screen, and held their breaths. Minho finally answered the call, placing it on speakerphone. They’d agreed on that. Whatever the news was, they would all hear it together. </p><p>Well, Jeongin seemed barely present, in shock, but they didn’t think it was right to leave him out. Seungmin had an arm wrapped around the youngest boy protectively, Jeongin’s eyes half-closed as he leaned against Seungmin’s shoulder.</p><p>“Hello?” Minho asked, voice barely making a sound, to his own surprise.</p><p>“Minho?”</p><p>“Yeah, we’re all here.”</p><p>“Chan’s alive.”</p><p>The phone nearly slipped from Minho’s fingers. He bowed his head to hide his tears.</p><p>“He hasn’t woken up yet, but the doctors say he shouldn’t be in any danger at this point. If he’d arrived at the hospital much later, he would have, but he got here in time. He’s fine.”</p><p>Felix started to weep, and the others weren’t much better, though at least a few of them—Jisung, Seungmin—were smiling through their tears. </p><p>“I already called his parents. They’re on their way. I don’t think the hospital will allow other visitors tonight or tomorrow, but I’ll see what I can do. It’ll be okay, guys. Chan’s okay.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Changbin spoke up, voice scratchy. </p><p>“Listen, I’ll call you again with any updates and I’ll try to answer any of your calls. It’ll be okay,” their manager reiterated, and ended the call after waiting to hear shaky agreements from them. </p><p>Minho dropped the phone as soon as the line went dead, curling his knees to his chest and hiding. He didn’t want the others to see the relief on his face. He didn’t want them to realize how much he’d believed that Chan would not wake up again. He’d been certain that Chan was dead, only holding off the pain with the fragment of hope that it hadn’t yet been confirmed. He could picture so clearly, so painfully, a world without Chan. </p><p>But he was alive. He was going to be okay. </p><p>He felt arms embrace him but didn’t raise his head, feeling wretched and relieved both at once. He shouldn’t have lost hope. He was ashamed that he’d lost hope. </p><p>“Hyung, it’s okay,” Changbin murmured—not who he’d expected, which gave him pause.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah it is,” he agreed, trying to stabilize his voice. “Chan will be fine.”</p><p>“Well, yeah, but that’s not what I meant.”</p><p>Minho glanced at him, confused. “What? What did you mean?”</p><p>“You’re hiding. That means you feel guilty. But it’s okay, you don’t need to,” Changbin said. </p><p>Minho shook his head reflexively. How was Changbin insightful enough to see how Minho was feeling, while still in denial of the fact that Minho had been wrong? He’d done something, believed something, he never should have. He was the oldest, but his reassurances to the others had been flat and empty. He’d let them down when he should have been giving them hope. </p><p>And he’d betrayed Chan, by doubting him. </p><p>“We’re all surprised, hyung,” Changbin said insistently. “You don’t need to feel guilty.”</p><p>Minho glanced up again. Changbin had been firm, earlier, insisting that Chan would be okay and they all needed to keep it together. He’d believed. He’d been right. </p><p>Minho had doubted. </p><p>“Hyung, stop it,” Changbin insisted, nudging his shoulder with his chin. “I mean it. I might have said… But I thought it was unlikely. We all felt it, we all believed… So stop blaming yourself.”</p><p>“It doesn’t matter what you all thought,” Minho found himself saying. </p><p>Changbin quieted.</p><p>“Even if all of you—no, especially if all of you—lost hope, I shouldn’t have given up. I should have been able to help you, convince you—” Minho cut himself off, noticing the others looking at him. </p><p>“Hyung, what are you talking about?” Felix asked.</p><p>Minho wanted to hide again. “Nothing,” he muttered.</p><p>“No, we need to talk about this,” Changbin interjected. “All of us—I know it was all of us—have had premonitions for weeks that Chan was in danger. I’m sure I’m not the only one that had dreams about this exact same thing happening, but…too late.” He swallowed, but looked around at everyone.</p><p>They all nodded, except Jeongin, who was still curled against Seungmin. Minho felt a spike of worry for the youngest, because he’d also dreamed of a silent, dull Jeongin, drained of all the energy, mischief, and positivity he’d once possessed, and Jeongin currently resembled that nightmare more than Minho wanted to think about. </p><p>“Jeongin?” Seungmin prompted, nudging him. </p><p>The youngest blinked, then nodded briefly. Well, it was better than nothing.</p><p>Felix took a deep breath. “What happened wasn’t normal. What happened to us, I mean. The way we all dreamed the same things, weeks before we even knew anything was the matter… I just can’t believe that even though we all saw something coming, I was almost too late…”</p><p>Minho felt his own guilt grow as he noticed the pain in Felix’s face. Felix had been the one to wake up and find Chan missing, to find him unconscious. That must have been terrifying for him, more so than the rest of them. </p><p>“I really knew what was going to happen,” Felix tried to explain through his tears. “The way I found him, I’ve been having nightmares about it for weeks. But I still let it happen. It’s my fault…” </p><p>Minho scooted over to Felix’s side to wrap him in a hug, biting his own lip. He tried to steady his voice to reassure Felix, but felt his voice choked up and just gave up, squeezing him harder. </p><p>“Felix,” Hyunjin spoke up. “Minho. Neither of you are to blame for this. We all wanted to believe we were being paranoid and our imaginations were running away. If we’d actually tried to do anything drastic to prevent this, how would we have looked at Chan?”</p><p>“Hyunjin’s right,” Jisung agreed. “And when it seemed to become reality, everything caught up to us. It’s natural in hindsight to believe we could or should have done something differently that would automatically fix everything. But that’s not how it works. The point is, Chan is okay. He’ll be fine, and now we won’t make the same mistakes twice.”</p><p>Minho felt Felix calm slightly as the other two spoke, and felt slightly soothed as well. Hindsight was always much clearer. Minho wouldn’t stop blaming himself for missing the chance to stop this, nor would he let himself forget the way he’d given up on Chan the instant he’d seen him as still as death on the bathroom floor. But the point, as Jisung had said, was that Chan was okay.</p><p>Things would be okay.</p><p> </p><p>::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Felix didn’t think things would ever be okay again. </p><p>They’d all had the same dream—Chan discovered just an hour or less earlier than had happened in reality, Chan being rushed to the hospital still alive, Chan surviving. </p><p>Felix had stopped thinking that those kinds of dreams were simply dreams. He was sure they were connected to the place Chan came from and disappeared to. </p><p>But Felix had been desperately hoping for a way to fix things, change things. If Chan was alive, somewhere, things could go back to how they were.</p><p>But Chan’s survival had changed nothing. He wasn’t here. Their world hadn’t changed. The past hadn’t changed. Not for them, at least.</p><p>And when Chan didn’t appear for two days, Felix’s crushed hope slowly faded and died.</p><p>Chan was gone forever.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I realize the last chapter caused a certain amount of confusion. To clarify, none of the events were a dream. There are two different versions of every character besides Chan. Some of them experience events, and their counterparts may dream about those events. Hope that helps!</p><p>Also sorry for the way this chapter ended but it's a necessary point! This is far from the end of the story, never fear!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Chapter 21</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Oof it's been a while! Here we goooo</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After an eternity of weightlessness, Chan slowly started to become aware of his own body. He simultaneously felt floaty and weighed down. He couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything. He wasn’t even sure if he was breathing. </p><p>He nearly panicked, but just a few moments later he registered the rise and fall of his own chest. He was lying down. Maybe that was part of the reason he felt both heavy and light at the same time. He didn’t have to exert any effort in this positon, but was still firmly enclosed between blankets and mattress.</p><p>Yes, now he could tell the blankets were the source of that weight. </p><p>Hours must have passed as Chan simply tried to become aware of his body, each individual finger and joint, reassuring himself he was there. </p><p>He had plenty of time to think about what he’d seen. </p><p>There was always a chance he’d gone completely insane, but Chan was fairly sure that none of his “hallucinations” had actually been a figment of his own imagination. He didn’t know if it was science or magic or something of both, but somehow he’d been able to shift back and forth between two…places. Whether it was another dimension or the future, Chan had no idea. </p><p>When had it begun, Chan wondered as he strained to open his eyes but once again failed. </p><p>The first time he’d taken note of was the Felix and hot chocolate incident. Was that the first time? What had triggered it?</p><p>He remembered Felix’s tears, his devastated expression transforming when he saw Chan. Had Felix’s sorrow brought him there? But then why not before that? </p><p>Before…that?</p><p>Something was hovering at the edge of Chan’s mind, something important, but he couldn’t quite grasp it. He reached, reached…</p><p>His eyes opened, and that thought was gone. </p><p>“Chan!” a voice gasped.</p><p>He focused on the source of the noise, feeling disoriented, and saw Felix. There were more faces, familiar faces, crowding around him, but Chan could only look at Felix for now.</p><p>“…Lix?” he managed. </p><p>“Chan-hyung,” Felix said. “It’s me. I’m here.” He was smiling through tears. </p><p>All his memories came swirling back: his panic in the night, trying to take his medication to stop the hallucinations once and for all, finding himself in that…space and seeing the two different realities he’d been traveling between. </p><p>And something else, something he’d been thinking about. He frowned in concentration. It was important. But what was it? </p><p>“Can you hear me, hyung?” Felix asked. </p><p>The thought disappeared, and Chan closed his eyes. It had been important. </p><p> </p><p>:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Chan’s eyes closed again, and they all simultaneously leaned closer in panic. Hyunjin’s heart was pounding as he stared down at Chan, wanting to yell and plead with him to wake up but knowing that shouting at him in this state would hardly do any good. </p><p>Jeongin, unsurprisingly, seemed the most affected by Chan closing his eyes so soon after waking up. He laid his head against Chan’s chest, stifling a sob, and Minho was about to pull him back when Chan’s eyes opened once again. </p><p>“Innie?”</p><p>Jeongin lifted his head at the sound of Chan’s voice and bit his lip. “Sorry, hyung.”</p><p>“Why sorry?” Chan smiled. “Come here.” He lifted his arms weakly, and Jeongin dived in for a hug, squeezing the eldest tightly as Chan’s arms wrapped around him.</p><p>Hyunjin almost felt jealous of that hug, after the terror about Chan being lost to them forever.  </p><p>“My turn,” he announced, tapping Jeongin’s back. </p><p>Jeongin reluctantly stood up again, and Hyunjin leaned in to hug Chan. </p><p>“Don’t scare us like that,” he whispered, trying to sound lighthearted but voice coming out more harshly than he’d expected. </p><p>He felt Chan wince. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>Hyunjin pulled back again, shaking his head, and everyone shared a glance, except for Jeongin who kept his eyes fixed on Chan.</p><p>The leader took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for putting you all through this.”</p><p>“Don’t say sorry,” Seungmin said. “We’re glad you’re all right; just focus on that.”</p><p>Hyunjin wanted to echo the sentiment, but he felt that the apology was well-deserved, personally. He noticed some slight reluctance from the others as well. </p><p>Obviously Chan was struggling a lot, but it was true that his actions had scared Hyunjin. Maybe he would even be traumatized. An apology was nice, although Seungmin was right to point out that Chan’s well-being was the most important thing right now. </p><p>Chan seemed to notice their mood. “You guys are the most important thing to me,” he said, with raw honesty in his voice. </p><p>Hyunjin clenched his jaw at a wave of emotion that came over him at the words.</p><p>“I know that the past few weeks have been hard for all of you, and I’m responsible for that. If things had gone badly tonight, you would have all…” Chan swallowed. “It could have gotten a lot worse. So I am sorry.” </p><p>Hyunjin blew out a breath. “I’m sorry, hyung.”</p><p>Everyone turned to look at him. “I—we—were all worried about you but too scared to say anything. If I had cared less about awkwardness and more about what you were struggling with, this might never have happened.” Hyunjin looked down.</p><p>“Hyunjin…” Minho said sadly. “It’s not your fault.”</p><p>“I—”</p><p>“It’s mine,” Minho finished. </p><p>Hyunjin looked up sharply to see that Minho was holding back tears. </p><p>“Minho,” Chan started. </p><p>“Hyunjin’s right. We were all worried. But we didn’t say anything. When Felix first said something, all I did was warn the others to be careful. At the hospital after Chan passed out, Hyunjin asked if we should mention something to the doctors, and I told him no. If, if I had taken things more seriously, this could have been prevented.” Tears dripped down Minho’s cheeks and he wiped them away angrily. </p><p>“Mention what?” Chan said, looking confused.</p><p>Minho swallowed. “The things you were saying, about dying and overdosing… about whether you should be alive or not… We were scared, I was scared, but I didn’t say anything.”</p><p>“But,” Chan blinked. “That’s what you were worried about?”</p><p>“Of course!”</p><p>Chan’s brow furrowed. “You all thought—You thought that I—” He stopped.</p><p>Everyone looked at each other. </p><p>“Hyung,” Felix finally said. “You…did you not mean to do that?” </p><p>Chan’s face instantly went serious. “I don’t think so, no. I… I was panicking because of my hallucinations and just wanted them to stop. Since the usual dose of medicine seemed to have no effect, I guess my panicked brain just thought more pills would work. If a few more didn’t work, then I wanted to take a lot more…” Chan’s eyes went a little unfocused as he spoke. </p><p>Minho took his hand, catching his attention, and he gave a strained smile. Minho tilted his head back to try to hold back his tears. </p><p>“Then what was all that about? Why is this happening?” Changbin spoke up. </p><p>Chan sighed. “I thought I was going crazy. Now I’m not so sure.”</p><p>“What does that mean?” Jisung asked.</p><p>“It means, I don’t think I was ever having hallucinations,” Chan explained. “This is making me sound even crazier, isn’t it? But I’m sick of doubting myself. I know what I was seeing.”</p><p>“And what is that?” Jeongin asked quietly. </p><p>“I think it was the future,” Chan said.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>yeet</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Chapter 22</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey again! Thanks for reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nobody was sure how to react to Chan’s newfound determination to believe that he had been time travelling.</p><p>“That, or visiting a different dimension,” Chan added, frowning in concentration. “I don’t know if I have a way to tell. Maybe only if changing things here changes things there. Or would that be a paradox?”</p><p>“Nobody can change the past,” Minho said carefully.</p><p>“I’m less sure now, but I agree. But the present can change the future,” Chan explained, tracing some lines on his blanket. “If we’re here, and the past is behind and the future is ahead… Then someone coming from the future to the past wouldn’t be able to change things, because the past already created the timeline where they decided to come back, right? But if someone from the present went to the future, they’re the ones with the power to make different decisions.” </p><p>He bit his lip. “If they realize in time what will happen if they don’t. I almost… I almost messed everything up.” </p><p>Felix put a hand on his shoulder, comforting, while glancing at everyone else to see if they thought Chan was going insane. </p><p>“Chan, I’m confused,” Changbin spoke up. “Do you think you actually, literally time-travelled? Or are you just saying you had premonitions or something?”</p><p>Chan breathed out, thinking. “I think I actually was…somewhere else. There’s this…space, which is connected to here and there—or now and then?—and when I’m there, I don’t just see, but interact. If nobody reacted to me there, I don’t think I would have been this confused…”</p><p>“Chan, that’s impossible,” Minho muttered.</p><p>“Maybe, but it happened.”</p><p>“Chan…”</p><p>“You didn’t see them, Minho,” Chan said, quiet, but a note of intensity in his voice that made everyone do a double take. “You didn’t see you. Your eyes were just…dead, and everyone was barely holding on, and I…” Chan’s voice thickened with emotion and finally broke. “I can’t let that happen.”</p><p>“But didn’t you already change things?” Felix said after a few moments of silence. “Like how you were saying about the present and the future.” </p><p>Chan rubbed his eyes. “I don’t know. Maybe? But…it’s so clearly still there, and all of you are still…like that. Why would that all disappear just because I did some things differently? If it really is the future, is it possible to change it once I see it? It has to be real in order for me to go there, right?”</p><p>Nobody quite knew what to say to that. Nobody else in the room believed it was real to begin with.</p><p> </p><p>::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin was worried about Felix. He’d been worried for him all along, as well as the others, but Jeongin had always seemed to be the most extreme. Now, Seungmin wasn’t so sure. Jeongin just seemed to be spacing out and sleeping a lot. He cried in his sleep, or seemed peaceful, but it seemed like he’s simply gone back to how bad it had been the first week or so after Chan’s death.</p><p>Felix, though, was worse than Seungmin had ever seen him. He’d been devastated, grieving, trying desperately to smile for everyone and support them, which had scared them. Felix was so fragile, that pretending to be strong might get him hurt. </p><p>But now he didn’t have the strength to pretend. His eyes were hollow, he didn’t sleep, and he barely spoke. He simply shook his head when anyone tried to comfort him, and too often they heard him crying under his covers or in the shower. </p><p>Everyone had taken it badly—Seungmin was shaken, too—by their shared dreams about Chan’s survival. But Felix… He seemed crushed. The light in his eyes had totally gone out, and Seungmin wasn’t sure if that was something that could be rekindled. </p><p>He sighed, feeling his chest hurt but refusing to cry. He couldn’t cry every time he even thought about these things. Instead, Seungmin focused on doing the laundry, removing the dry clothes from the rack and folding them, sorting them into piles for each member. </p><p>When he finished, Seungmin looked at the eight stacks he’d made and blinked. There was his clothes, Minho’s, Felix’s, Changbin’s, Jeongin’s, Jisung’s, Hyunjin’s, and Chan’s. </p><p>Wait. </p><p>He’d stacked Chan’s hoodies and some tee shirts, split among a few of them to be worn frequently, and put them in their own pile. </p><p>Seungmin picked up one of the dark hoodies and buried his face in it, and pretended he didn’t feel the tears soaking into the thick fabric. </p><p> </p><p>:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>More than a week had gone by since Chan’s last appearance, and Felix had gone days without any hope. That was a painful state to live in. Before, even in his grief, he’d talked to Chan, hoped he was okay somewhere looking out for him. Now he was just…gone. Cut off from Felix forever, surviving somewhere but dead here. </p><p>He tried to take comfort in believing that Chan was okay, somewhere, but what was the difference to Felix? He was gone. </p><p>He curled his hands in his blankets, closing his eyes stubbornly against tears. How long was it going to be like this, crying for no reason and constantly agonizing over Chan’s absence? Felix just wanted to be okay.</p><p>He froze at the sound of shuffling, instantly going quiet in case someone heard him. Was it Minho or Changbin coming to tell him to eat something? After a second, he peeked out from under his covers. </p><p>It was Jeongin, wearing one of Chan’s freshly-washed hoodies, looking at Felix. His eyes were focused, but his expression still seemed off.</p><p>Instantly, Felix sat up. “Jeongin, are you okay?”</p><p>Jeongin gave a slight nod, but Felix was only slightly relieved. He pulled back his blankets and scooted over, inviting Jeongin into his bunk. The younger boy climbed in beside him, and Felix snuggled into his shoulder, laying his head against Jeongin’s chest. The soft fabric of the hoodie made his throat tighten, but Felix ignored that. </p><p>“Did you space out again?” Felix asked softly. </p><p>“I don’t know.” Jeongin’s voice was so quiet Felix could barely hear him. “I’m so…confused. I see things that you guys say are not real, but then it’s real that Chan’s here, and suddenly it’s not real again?”</p><p>Felix’s heart hurt and he wrapped an arm around Jeongin’s waist and hugged him. “I’m sorry, we… What do you mean again?” </p><p>“I still see him, sometimes,” Jeongin admitted. “I see things… that are different. For months, I’ve seen things but then it turns out I just imagined it and spaced out. But you guys started to see Chan, too, and I…”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Felix said again. </p><p>Jeongin gave a small sigh. “I don’t think it’s your fault. I think something might be…wrong with me,” he whispered.</p><p>Felix hugged him tighter.</p><p> </p><p>::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>It was a week before Chan was released from the hospital. He’d been on suicide watch and medications, but he accepted that. He didn’t want to die, but he appreciated the efforts to keep him safe. </p><p>He heard the others whispering about him, wondering what was wrong with him that he believed he had time-travelled, but Chan knew he probably wouldn’t be able to convince them and he didn’t have the energy to worry about it. </p><p>He was more worried about was happening to the others, to his members who’d been broken and hurt, and what now? He remembered the messages carved onto the tree and felt like crying and also like punching through a wall. He could sense it, that they were still in that state. He’d survived, but nothing had changed for them. Why? </p><p>Why would…whatever it was…give him the chance to see the future if Chan could do nothing to change it? </p><p>There had to be an answer. How had Chan travelled in the first place? What was that space? </p><p>When had he first done it?</p><p>That question tortured him. It seemed important, and somehow the hot chocolate incident didn’t seem right. That was just the first time he’d noticed. </p><p>But surely, if he’d travelled to the future, he would have noticed the reaction of whoever was present. Seeing a dead person alive would get a reaction out of anyone, right? Unless there hadn’t been anyone around when Chan had travelled. </p><p>But that didn’t seem right. Chan was positive that his visits to the future had to do with the people, something about them drawing him there…</p><p>Only when Chan was discharged, back in the dorms, and someone came shuffling into his room and climbed into his bunk with him, did the answer click. </p><p>He clapped a hand over his mouth and stared at the sleeping Jeongin. The words of the members came rushing back to him.</p><p>Jeongin had had trouble accepting Chan’s death, talking about interacting with him when those things had never happened.</p><p>But they had. </p><p>Jeongin had seen Chan first.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm sorrryyyy it's been so long since I updated! School has been insane and I had some writing inspiration for different fics oops. </p><p>BUT! The good news is we're in the final stretch! Things are finally coming together mwahahaha...</p><p>I have the ending mostly written and just need to fill in a chapter or two to bridge them together so the end is near! Ahhhhh</p><p>Also my poor baby Jeongin, I'm sorry sweetie. Felix too. Oh and Seungmin :(</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Chapter 23</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Slightly shorter chapter, but thought I'd post what I have. </p><p>We are sooooo close! </p><p>Also, thank you for the kudos and comments :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chan’s mind raced. If Jeongin had seen Chan first, there had to be a way to find out when he’d started visiting the future. What had changed? </p><p>Thinking back on the conversation, where the members had painfully explained Jeongin’s struggles, he remembered them saying Jeongin had not been able to accept Chan’s death, instead acting like he’d seen and talked to him. </p><p>So what had changed? </p><p>He stroked Jeongin’s hair with a trembling hand, trying to stay calm. He had to think about this. </p><p>What had changed? What had triggered this? </p><p>Chan. </p><p>Chan’s death had started all this, somehow. </p><p>But lingering in the back of his consciousness was that space, and he somehow knew that in spite of his different actions, nothing had changed for the others on the other side. What was the point of all of this? What was the point if he couldn’t help them? </p><p>Jeongin stirred, and Chan froze. </p><p>The maknae’s eyes opened. “Hyung?” </p><p>“Jeongin,” he said softly. “Can you tell me something?”</p><p>He nodded. </p><p>“Do you have any memories of a funeral for me?” </p><p>Jeongin’s eyes widened and a worried expression washed over his face.</p><p>“No, really. Please, think about it,” Chan begged. </p><p>Jeongin started to shake his head, but stopped, eyes unfocusing slightly. </p><p>“Innie, stay with me,” Chan said urgently, and Jeongin’s eyes snapped back to Chan’s face. </p><p>“Anything?” Chan asked, holding his breath.</p><p>“Maybe. This is so weird,” Jeongin said, drawing his shoulders inward nervously. </p><p>“Where would I be buried afterward?” </p><p>Jeongin looked a bit frightened, but he said, “A tree, maybe?”</p><p>Chan let out a breath. What did this mean? Was this Jeongin from the future, or his own Jeongin? Was this simply a side-effect of the shared dreams the others had been having? </p><p>“Hyung, what’s going on?” Jeongin whispered. </p><p>“Nothing,” Chan said. “I’m just…thinking. Go back to sleep.”</p><p>Jeongin didn’t look convinced, but eventually he nodded off again. Chan waited a few more minutes, then slipped out of bed. </p><p>He needed to test some things. </p><p> </p><p>::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Chan didn’t dare go too far in case the others got worried, but he went out on the balcony and breathed in the night air.</p><p>His thoughts were swirling, and the more he considered them, the closer he felt to the space. Chan took a few deep breaths and attempted to go in. </p><p>His head started to ache, and a few times the sensation slipped away totally, but suddenly, with a gasp of pain, he was there. No longer on the balcony, but in a space without walls or edges, seeing two parallel balconies and apartments beyond them. </p><p>Chan tried to observe as much as he could from the space. It seemed like the Jeongin he’d just been talking to was indeed asleep in the bed from the present-time side, rather than the future side. So how had he known?</p><p>Chan would think about it later. </p><p>As he sat there, breathing hard, he did notice something he hadn’t before. </p><p>Both apartments were…going…at the same pace. </p><p>It made sense, in a way. When Chan disappeared or appeared in either area, the same amount of time passed in the other place. His visit to his own grave, his overnight stay, everything, lined up perfectly. </p><p>Realizing this, Chan felt inexplicable dread rise in his chest, but before he could figure it out, his head began to hurt, and he clutched his head, trying fruitlessly to block the excruciating pain, and then the world dissolved.</p><p> </p><p>:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Jisung, getting up for a midnight snack, spotted Chan outside on the balcony and nearly dropped his bowl of cereal. </p><p>He set the bowl on the counter hastily, rushing to the door to shake Chan’s shoulder. “Hyung!”</p><p>Before panic could set in, Chan’s eyes fluttered open and he groaned. “Ow.”</p><p>“Hyung, what are you doing out here? Did you fall asleep?” Jisung asked. </p><p>“Uh, I guess. I just came out here for some air, don’t worry.” Chan rubbed his head, winced, and held out a hand to Jisung to be helped up.</p><p>Jisung pulled him to his feet, and inside the kitchen</p><p>Chan nearly fell over after taking a couple steps, so Jisung insisted on taking him into the living room to sit on the couch. Chan didn’t protest. He looked lost in thought, wearing a slight frown.</p><p>Jisung hesitated to leave his side, ignoring the cereal that was quickly growing soggy. </p><p>“Something on your mind? Anything wrong?” Jisung asked quietly. </p><p>“I think I’m running out of time,” Chan mumbled. </p><p>Jisung’s hands clenched. “Hyung?”</p><p>Chan blinked. “No, that’s not what I—I mean, the future. I’ve been going there, but can I do that forever? I don’t think so, I think… I think I’ll hit a wall.” </p><p>Jisung was confused, but slightly relieved. “Oh. Is that…bad?”</p><p>“It’s July, right?” Chan said. Jisung nodded. “I don’t think I have much longer.”</p><p>Jisung felt uncomfortable with the way Chan was talking.</p><p>“That’s not what I mean,” Chan said, seeing his expression. “You know it’s not. I just mean, if I can’t figure out what to do, it will be too late to fix anything. There has to be a way to fix things. There has to.”</p><p>Jisung bit his lip. “Hyung…”</p><p>“Jisung. I’m fine, I promise. I just need…to find a way.” Chan put his head in his hands.</p><p> </p><p>::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p> </p><p>Chan grew more and more certain. If time flowed the same way here and there, and if Chan’s death had started everything, then maybe when this place, this timeline, caught up to that event, Chan would be stuck.</p><p>It felt right. It explained the dread, the sense of urgency.</p><p>It was July. That meant Chan had only a few weeks to find a solution, to save his friends and, in a sense, himself. </p><p>The space had to be the answer. It was all there, and Chan could go there, so there must be a way. But he didn’t know what it was, and in spite of believing now that he’d been time-travelling, time was a limited commodity. Time was running out.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ooo bet you didn't see that coming. There's one or two more chapters left, come one come all. I promised you a happy ending, remember.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Oooo</p><p>This is going to be sooo confusing what am I doing. Anyway, feel free to comment/leave kudos if you liked it! More to come ;)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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